As if Mondays were not shitty enough, I started my week off with a colonoscopy. If you are bothered by discussing things pertaining to your anus, you prob-bowel-ly should not read this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
The pre-procedure video that they send you to watch is hilarious. How can someone stay monotone while talking about nothing but what your stool is going to look like during and how much you'll fart after this God-awful process?
2
Why, oh why, did I choose to do this particular procedure during the Christmas season? Everything you drink or eat right now is RED!
3
The jug of miralax-ish concoction is so big, it's intimidating (that's what she said works here)! It's like taking on a sperm drinking challenge with no audience to cheer you on.
4
I had no idea you could pee out of your sphincter. There is literally no other way to explain what happens after you start drinking this shit. Pun intended.
5
Next time you play "Never Have I Ever," ass the question, "Who has used an entire roll of toilet paper, by themself, in under three hours?" I will raise my hand. I will actually raise both hands. I used two.
6
There are times when you receive signs that what you are doing is planned. Here are several that occurred for me - 1) We passed POO-tatuck rode on the drive to the hospital; 2) We parked next to a Jeep Comp-ASS at the hospital ; 3) One of the New York Times Spelling Bee words, on both prep day and procedure day, was ANAL.
7
There is a slight level of anxiety surrounding this event. You might feel fine, but they shove a probe up there, and hey, you're not fine. You have colon cancer. OR, you might not have colon cancer, but they might have to snip a bunch of bumps out of your butt that might also be cancerous. BUT, if they snip too hard, they might cut you and you might bleed. OR, you could stroke out under anesthesia, and you might want to have a healthcare directive ready. Now I'm thinking about shit I wasn't even thinking about when I was thinking about shit, and my blood pressure is through the roof.
8
Then, they call me en route and tell me there was another patient who had a complication, so I am being redirected to The Duracell Center. I was super charged about that (see what I did there?). They were also running way behind (again, pun intended). At this point, I'm sleeping standing up, so hungry I'm ready to gnaw on the leg of anyone who passes by, and every time a nurse walked out to call another patient, all I could hear in my head was Destiny's Child's "Say My Name."
9
Nurse Karen leads me into the procedure room, telling me all about the great music they have playing. So, of course, I have to ask what kind of ass-tastic playlist they have for colonoscopies. The anesthesiologist starts listing his favorites, tells me my arm is about to start burning, while Karen is asking me my vital stats, I hear "Rocket Man" by Elton John (oh, the irony), and I pass into darkness thinking about the missle that is about to project into my anus.
10
This Ohio State-loving broad was very leery about the Michigan lanyard hanging around the anesthesiologist's neck. Of course, I would never reveal my loyalties to someone who holds my life in his hands. Luckily, said anesthesiologist knew what he was doing. But he got his revenge in another way. He made my anus aflame with this horrible process, and now he gives me constipation. F you, asshole! #stillthecestpooloftheworld
You will be happy to know that I am all clear and do not have to experience this poopy caca for another 10 years. Since this is the holiday season, here are some kick-ass cocktail recipes to help make your season bright.
Kick-ass cocktails
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