Oh, Christmas music. It's everywhere, right? Yet, every year, I listen to this holiday fluff and yearn to create new lyrics to these jingles. You guessed it - this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl takes beloved Christmas carols and infuses them with animosity like only a Boozy beyotch can do.
1
To the tune of "Jingle Bells"
Jingle bells
What the hell?
Who's gonna help cook these meals?
When I signed up for marriage and such, short order cooking wasn't part of the deal-eel!
2
To the tune of "Let it Snow"
My good friend's other friends are frightful
Thank God this holiday punch is so delightful
Before I clock this douche in the nose
We gotta go, gotta go, gotta go
3
To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy"
Come, they told me, to the outlets
A deal on lots of things I surely would get
But when I got there it was picked-over shit
Is this PlayStation 5 ga-ame even legit?
I'm fed up with it
I need a gimlet
4
To the tune of "Last Christmas"
Last Christmas, I had more money
But inflation's insane, and my wallet's empty
This year, to save me from tears
You're all getting off-brand presents (Oh-yeah, Oh)
5
To the tune of "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time"
The time has come
For us to leave
I drank too much
I might dry heave
But my husband, simp-ly must have one more cocktail
He can't leave, the par-ty without a drink in his hand
6
To the tune of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Randy, my red-nosed uncle
Had too many beers to count
Now he's face down in my foyer
and I'm not sure we'll get his ass out
7
To the tune of "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"
It's beginning to feel like I need a cocktail
My fam-ily just arrived
Parents bickering over there
My kids don't even care
That I barely make it through this holiday shit alive
Oh, it's definitely time to get me that cocktail
My in-laws just walked in
If they don't stop judging me
I swear I'm gonna flee and leave this entertaining all to them
8
To the tune of 'Silver and Gold"
Silver and Gold
I feel so old
Why can't I bend at the kneeeeee?
I just want to wrap these f'ing presents
And stick them under the tree
9
To the tune of "The Christmas Song"
My butt's roasting by this open fire
Sweat is dripping off my nose
Don't they know that I'm men-o-paus-al?
And I'd be happier if I froze?
Everybody knows, I'm a raging bitch if I overheat
Just help to keep a lady cool
Bring me a drink filled with lots and lots of ice
So, I can drink and sleep tonight
And so, I'm offering some simple advice
If you'd like for me to speak again to you
Leave me alone, just let me go home
And soon my hot flash will beeeeee through
10
To the tune of "All I Want for Christmas is You"
Weed is legal in most states now
I've toked my way through the sea-son
I don't have no time for vaping
I roll them up like when we were young
But now my night is winding down
So high I thought Santa was a clown
Help me stay in a good moo-oo-ood
Baby all I want this Christmas is food
Food, baaaaabeeee!
I really do love Christmas carols, I promise. It's just that I have a really warped mind, and I think these lyrics are a lot more fun. If you're looking for a way to become a prized lyricist like me, try all 35 of the treats below and make sure you document your new scores after each one. I think you'll be surprised at how your creativity increases with each sip.
Cheer me up, Scotty
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