While we've got smoke and fire burning up and down the East Coast this week, today's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl has more to do with the fire in your loins. As I talked to friends and family in the dating scene, I started to think of grittier counterparts to already existing dating sites, as well as a few new sites to explore.
1
Instead of Grindr, an app traditionally for LGBTQ+ hook ups, I offer MeatUp. I mean, that's self-explanatory, right? Why candy coat it?
2
Instead of Hinge, an app that prides itself on helping you find true love with a no-swipe platform, I suggest Unhinged - an app for when you just wanna be off your meds with someone like yourself.
3
The opposite of Hinge is Tinder, the swipe-tastic hook up app. My alternative? DumpsterFire - for when you are so horny you could die, so you want to meet someone, black out, knock it out and possibly get arrested.
4
Bumble is another app where women are empowered to make the first move, but also have a chance to look for BFFs, not just fuck buddies. My offering to this is BumbleFuck, which caters to those people who live in remote, one-stoplight towns, looking for love, but the odds are against them due to a simple lack of inventory.
5
Coffee Meets Bagel, or CMB, is another app where meeting for coffee promises to bring lasting love. I call bullshit on this. The app that makes sense is SausageMeetsPie, because this name lays out what the real end game is here.
6
I don't know if there is a dating app for vegans. But I think there should be, because trying to mesh meat eaters with plant-based people is just frustrating. So, my app for this would be called DownTofu, or to make more sense about what meat a vegan really goes for, it could be marketed better as DownToFU.
7
A super-popular dating app from the start has been eharmony. They've got the algorithm to make your heart pitter patter with perfect matches. But what if you want something more, something bigger? Like literally. Well then, you would go to eHungLikeaPony and get your money's worth. (Again, truth in advertising explains it all here)
8
The flavor of love is supposedly found by using OKCupid. My alternative? OKStupid - the app for mental midgets, just looking for love.
9
The hook up app for beer lovers - TapThat.
10
OffSax - not a place for high-end retail discounts, but rather one for back-alley meet ups. Kinda like the Off Broadway of sex.
11
OffLeash - this is the app for pet lovers. For furry fun, just add peanut butter (leashes optional).
12
SexPistol - if you are a gun-toting NRA member, find a mate to fire your rounds into here.
13
Narcissists, many of whose profiles feature a tagline such as "You deserve to meet me," can save the rest of the world from having to deal with them by joining together on LookatME.
15
BCos - an app for those who like to dress up and go to events/festivals whose names end in "Fair" or "Con."
16
The dating app for those who will not even be on time for their own funerals - TardyParty.
17
The app for fanatics that do not have the ability to carry on a meaningful conversation about anything other than sports - JockStrap.
18
For people looking for a more mature partner (aka Sugar Daddy or Momma) - Antiquing.
19
Outdoorsy types who hope to reach the pinnacle of the Big O can download the TwinPeaks app.
20
Instead of Match.com, how about MisMatched? The algorithm for this one will take everything you put in as traits and pair you with the exact opposite. So, someone very tall will end up with very short people to choose from, and super-skinny people might find only overweight options. Can make for some very eye-catching people watching!
21
And my final offering for today is combining Christian Mingle and JDate into an app called Jesus! - combining people of different faiths who all scream the same thing when they climax!
I could go on and on. But seriously, if you try to steal any of these, I will put out a hit on you. If you didn't find the above that funny, drink at least 3 high-octane beers then re-read it, and I promise you will chuckle. I know I did. Apparently, it's fun to play drinking games when you go out on these dates. Sounds weird to me, but what do I know? I've been married for almost 24 years! Think I'll play these to forget that...
It's all part of the game.
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