I was with my friend, Michelle, this weekend, and she was less than enthusiastic about having to take her daughter on a camping trip soon. While I enjoy a good glamp fest, this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl will delve into why a trip to the great outdoors always overpromises and undersells.
1
The set up - When I arrive somewhere, I like to walk in, plop down my snacks and drinks and get to business. I do not appreciate it taking hours, with IKEA-like assembly directions (or no directions) as to how to set up the places I will eat, shit and sleep. I'm so damn exhausted after assembling the campsite, I can barely lift my beer to my lips. #nobueno
2
The bugs - They are, like, EVERYWHERE! Especially the freaking mosquitos, who apparently have not eaten in centuries and find me to be the prized pig. Seriously though, who knew there were so many different kinds of bugs? #aintnoentomologist
3
The weather - If it's hot, you can't cool off. If it's cold, there ain't enough blankets in the world to warm you up. And have you ever gone camping when it hasn't rained in some way, shape or form? I haven't! #fumothernature
4
The cooking - Let's face it, I don't like to cook in a gourmet kitchen with pricey cookware. So to me, and many others I'm sure, camp cooking is EXHAUSTING! I mean, you have to start by building the flames to even warm the stuff, and this, my friends, could take hours. Especially if the wood is damp - and the wood is always damp. Then there's all this wrapping and spraying and trying to find the special utensils which really aren't even made for cooking. And forget the clean up! You can only hope you burn off the shit that is festering in those pans from that pond water. #fivestarorbust
5
The bathrooms - You've eaten and now you need to do your business. If you are even lucky enough to have bathrooms with running water nearby, they still look and smell like a Port-O-Potty conglomerate. And God help you if you are a woman of my age, with a bladder the size of an ant, and you have to try to FIND this loo in the middle of the night. #adultdiapersplease
6
The injuries - So, how many of us, while trying to find that potty in the night, have twisted or sprained an ankle? Or you let the kids run free in nature, because the poor little cherubs have no exposure to open air otherwise, and they trip and fall, and it's off to the nearest Urgent Care for stitches. No matter how careful you are, #someonealwaysgetshurt.
7
The smells - I'm not talking about the fresh air. That's great. It's the smell of YOU to which I refer. It's like camping and bathing can't be found in the same hemisphere. Everything you do sticks to you like glue. You leave smelling like a fiery dung pile that just poured a bottle of onions on itself. And there is no magic potion to get that smell out. #justburntheclothes
8
The sleeping - There is no real rest in camping. The lumpy ground, on which your fat ass is tethered in a sleeping bag, provides no comfort whatsoever. And the sounds - things you would never even notice in normal life, become amplified until you start hallucinating about a bear and a snake coming to eat you together while Bigfoot looks on. Then all you have to look forward to in the morning is that shitty instant-tasting coffee out of those enamel coffee pots. Blech! #wheresmystarbucks
9
The cost - Last time I checked, nature doesn't cost a thing. So, why then am I being charged to rent my camp site, park my car, have multiple tents, blah, blah, blah. #racket
10
The drinking - Getting drunk just ain't the same! There's no bartender, you're screwed if you run out of anything, you can only drink things that won't spoil, and there is absolutely nowhere to crash after a long night. I mean, really? #whydididothistomyself
Seriously, folks - you can pretty much do anything you do on a camping trip without camping. So celebrate the out-of-doors, go home, shower, and maybe try to drink your s'mores with the recipe below.
Gimme s'more
Comments