Someone had this annoying sign hanging on their bulletin board - "When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade." I immediately began fantasizing about chucking lemons at this person's head. It also got me thinking of a topic for this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl. So here goes my rant about dumb sayings.
1
Money can't buy happiness - Never in my life have I heard a bigger load of horse shit! While it's not the answer to all problems, rich people can find ways to make themselves happier that poor people can. Sorry, but it's true.
2
No use crying over spilled milk - Screw that! Have you ever smelled milk that has been laying around for a while? It makes me cry, vomit, curse - lots of things. Plus, it's super wasteful! Do you know how much milk costs these days? Guard that shit with your life.
3
Pure as the driven snow - Um, isn't anything that's been driven, in essence, impure? Like, my scenic winter wonderland doesn't involve plows, tracks, dirt, tires, etc. Replace "driven" with "new-fallen," and I might be with you here.
4
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile - If the jowls of your resting bitch face trend downward, then that's natural. And you're just a miserable person. There's no fix for that. So just keep on sucking and leave us happy people alone.
5
A whole nother (fill in the blank) - What is a "nother?" You want to know what it is? Really poor use of the English language. It should be "other." And you're dumb. So go be dumb.
6
Made it by the skin of your teeth - Huh? Last time I checked, teeth are bone. Any skin is the gums that hold them in place. Find something that actually makes sense to shame people who barely accomplish something, please. Like, "you might be the luckiest mofo to ever live."
7
Never regret something that once made you smile - Well, if you killed someone who you hated, and that gave you a chuckle, but you were too dumb to cover it up properly and are now on Death Row, would you regret doing it? Yeah, I thought so.
8
Everyone is beautiful. Sometimes it just takes the right person to see it. - Sorry, hun, but you ugly. Ain't no two ways around it. This is, like, a really nice way of saying, "a face only a mother could love." Now THAT makes sense.
9
Cat got your tongue? - If a cat was going to take something from you, why would it be your tongue? In my 50+ years of life, I have never seen a cat with a pile of tongues lying around. Have you?
10
The proof is in the pudding - Proof of what? That your fat ass likes to eat sweets? The only thing I'm looking for proof of whilst eating my pudding is that I have scraped and licked the bowl clean - and that there isn't more pudding waiting for me in the fridge!
Maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good. But if I wasn't, how could I continue to write this blog? I tried to look up a cynic's cocktail recipe, but all I got were recipes for a liqueur called Cynar. Have no idea what that is, but there sure are a lot of drinks that include it. Like this one - The Artichoke Hold. So punny. So, so punny - NOT!
Choke on this
from Artichoke Hold Cocktail - Smith & Cross, Cynar and St Germain Elderflower! (stevethebartender.com.au)
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