You've all seen the memes, but January has truly been the longest year ever. So much so, that I did not gather a lot of new material for this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl. So, I pulled these out of the archives. Enjoy!
1
I went to a friend's house, and they bought a slow feeder bowl for their dog. Supposedly, this stops your pup from plowing through his or her food in seconds. So I thought to myself, where the hell is this device for humans? Can't you see it - hands tied behind my back, face down, scrounging on the table, trying to lick that one little crumb out of a plastic puzzle bowl? I will be the face of the newest diet craze - Pooching Your Ponch!
2
I am so damn short, you can barely tell someone is in the driver's seat if you're in the car behind me. Along with this comes some short arms. Normally, I don't think about this short coming (LOL). However, when I get to a drive thru window, especially those at the bank, it is inevitable. Now who in the hell can pull up to a bank window and just casually reach in for the tube? Lurch? I have to unbuckle my seatbelt, open the car door and hang out the window to even get close. And I can see the teller trying to hold in his/her laughter. Well, screw you octopus arms. I hope your pen falls in between your car seats!
3
I grew up in the 70s/80s. Everything in our homes was decorated with linoleum, and no one cared about all the water dripping off of you after you came in from playing in the snow. Fast forward to 2020 - hardwood is the choice decor. And you know what doesn’t go well with wood? Water! So now, in order for my kid to have fun in the snow, I am taping down tarp in the main hallway and looking for every old towel we have in the house, and my foyer looks like a crime scene. She also has to strip down to her skivvies in the garage, and she’s screaming at me as I press the button for the door to close. If anyone has a body to get rid of, now would be the time to visit me.
4
Snow days. You throw on their long johns, then the next two layers of clothes, the gloves first, so the coat slides over perfectly, and you lace their boots, tie them tight, and then you hear, “I have to go to the bathroom.” Piss in your pants, kid. It will keep you warm.
5
"Drawers" is a really hard word to pronounce. Go ahead. Say it out loud. You sound like you're eating a box of rocks.
6
I was flipping through a tabloid mag recently, and it featured an actress, in the nude, with stars over her nips. Um, editors, do you really think we don't know what's under there? And do you actually think readers, young or old, see anything but boobs in that pic? Now it's just starry boobs, drawing your attention to it even more. I guess you could say, "try harder," here, and infer from that whatever you want.
7
Have you ever been in a public bathroom, and you start pushing the roll of toilet paper with your hand to get it going, but you can't see anything happening? So you keep rolling it and rolling it, but where is the damn paper? Then you move your leg to the side, and realize it was unspooling all along, and there is a mound of TP in the stall next to you. But do you want to use that pile? No! It touched the floor. So you leave it there and try to pull off another clean wad. Yeah, I am not a good environmentalist.
8
I have lived my house for over eleven years, and I still don't know which light switch turns on which light in certain areas. You just hear this manic clicking going on all the time. Kinda like when you're talking to one of your kids, but you have to run through all the other kids' names until you find the right one!
9
It's football-watching season, and that means millions of Americans are ordering loads of chicken wings. Some people like to eat wings with Blue Cheese dressing. Others prefer Ranch. Usually, you order both. Problem is that these two dressings look EXACTLY THE SAME in those tiny plastic containers. Would it be that hard for whoever is filling those cups to take a Sharpie and just label each with an "R" or a "BC" on the top? Would it? Because that's a hell of a lot better than having everyone at your party dipping their nasty-ass fingers in each cup, trying to find the one that pleases them!
10
I bought a new sign yesterday. It reads, "Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday."
How is it February already? And how do I feel like this over and over again each year? Instead of wallowing in that, try making these drinks again and again. You'll probably forget everything!
Sustainable sips
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