Folks, I cannot believe it’s December. Since the Christmas Carols are in full swing, this week’s Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl is my take on WTF Holiday Songs.
1
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” - I’ll start with the obvious, because this song has come under a lot of scrutiny. This is basically a creepy guy, trying to coerce a woman to have sex with him. It’s even sung like some nasty man about to pounce on an unsuspecting victim. No shit it’s cold outside, dude. It’s December. And I have a jacket. Check you later, weirdo.
2
“Do They Know It’s Christmas” - The better question is, “Does anyone even know who the singers of this song are anymore?” And why do we keep playing an anthem to unfortunate 80s Ethiopia, like it’s a treasure. I’m pretty sure this Christian nation knows it is Christmas. I’m also sure they’d like to move on.
3
“Santa Baby” - While I am sure Santa would love to shimmy down the chimney to see a flamboyant floozy shimmering down a stripper pole, what does this song have to do with Christmas? It’s about a vacuous, greedy woman, who is all about “me, me, me.” Do we really need a Christmas song about a trophy wife? I think not.
4
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” - Remember how cute it was when you figured out what this song actually meant? Yeah, you were probably old enough to get it. But as a kid, what’s going through your head while you’re singing about YOUR MOM kissing another man, right when he’s supposed to be leaving YOUR DAD some gifts? Traumatizing to learn what a slut your mom is behind the scenes, isn’t it?
5
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” - Do you want to know why people are so anxious? It’s because of this song. So not only is some freak watching your EVERY MOVE, but if you do anything that normal kids do, you’re getting jack shit for Christmas. And then you turn to a life of crime, because it’s the only way to get stuff. Thanks, Santa.
6
“Carol of the Bells” - OK, so you read the name, right? It’s a carol. Of BELLS. I know bells go “ding dong.” I don’t need to hear little kids sing it out, in their most annoying voices. In rounds. It’s like I’m in a living acid trip every time my ears are tortured with this crap.
7
“Snoopy vs. The Red Baron” - Do I really have to explain this one? Just because a song shows up in a Christmas special doesn’t mean it’s a Christmas song. Geez.
8
Anything by The Trans-Siberian Orchestra - OMFG. If I wanted to have an epileptic seizure, I’d poison my brain with hard-core drugs. I seriously think songs like the ones created by these “musicians” are what they play in torture chambers, over and over again, until you break.
9
“The 12 Days of Christmas” - So, was this thought up by someone who was choosing between Judeaism and Christianity, but couldn’t add? And why are there so many birds being offered? I mean, I don’t even have the freezer space for that much meat. And all those musical instruments playing together at the end, making the geese squawk and the birds fly around. I’d probably get crapped on multiple times. Not to mention, how do you breathe properly while singing this song? I think I’ll take my five golden rings and run.
10
“Pretty Paper” and “Blue Christmas” - I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to sit around during the holidays wanting to cry all day. And that’s exactly what these songs inspire me to do. Happy, people, I want upbeat, HAPPY music.
And we can’t stop at just 10 this week…
11
“Run, Run Rudolph” - Does Santa have the runs? Why is he in such a hurry? And why is all the pressure on poor Rudolph? Not to mention, the title of the song is the only lyrics I can actually make out in this song. #slowtheFdown
12
“Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)” - Girl, you need to face the facts - he done gone and left. Sucks that it happened around the holidays. Go get drunk with your girls and find a one-night Santa stand. Now that’s a song I want to hear!
13
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” - said no kid EVER. Really? Out of all the things in the world magical Santa can bring you, you want a hippo? I call BS!
14
“Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You” - Why? Why is Christmas any different than any other day in this respect? Do you save up all the “I Love Yous” you have, just to cash them in at the end of the year? Is that the end of the Kisscal, rather than Fiscal, year? I think Billy Squire must have just been feeling neglected.
15
“Jingle Bell Rock” - Remember when your kids were little, and everything they owned and wore made noise? That’s what this song is akin to. Think about it - it’s a jingle horse, jingle bells, jinglin’ feet. That’s not swell, that’s agitating. Especially for those of us with sensory issues. Enough jingling already.
16
“Little Drummer Boy” - You’re a drummer, little boy. So pick up the damn tempo. A song about drums should be peppy. Not drag on like a dead squirrel tied to the back of a truck. Pa rum pum pum pum me some Neil Peart, please.
17
“Step Into Christmas” - Oh, Elton. Not everyone can dress like a cocktail flamingo palm tree with blinking Christmas lights and feel comfortable. We like to ease into Christmas and not be so manic.
18
“Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” - Paul McCartney, you are a musical genius. Your Beatles tunes could move hearts and mountains. And then you screw that all up by giving us this synth-pop shit. It’s almost like you were smoking from a hookah, started a bad haiku poem, and then took out your electric keyboard. Why, why, why?
19
“Where are You Christmas?” - Well, I’m right here. On the calendar. December 25th. Same time every year. Duh!
20
“Happy Christmas (War is Over)” - Hold up your peace signs and light your candles, folks. Not only is the War over, but so is my ranting.
In all seriousness, I hope my jaded take on these songs didn’t stir up any bad emotions for anyone. I actually love Christmas and most of the music that comes along with it! This holiday season, let’s be like San Francisco and smoke nothing but weed in our apartments, listenin’ to “Mary’s Boy Child,” mon.
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