Tired of listening to two old blowhards, as you reach for your anxiety meds? Well then, there’s no debating - you’re ready for a dose of Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
Sorry for my lack of availability, but my cleaning person is coming tomorrow, and I have to clean my house.
2
Where the hell is this master calendar of all these made-up national holidays? Seriously, daughter day, son day, ice cream day, wiped my ass day – what next? And are these just made to make me feel guilty, as I forget all about posting how awesome the person is who actually just pissed me off so badly that we’re not speaking at the moment?
3
Healthy eating is an exhausting chore. I’m trying to eat nuts more than chips, but only certain nuts are “good.” However, they don’t TASTE “good!” Unsalted almonds – yuck. Salted cashews – party in my mouth. But cashews are bad. I am bad. Fat and bad. So be it. I like cashews.
4
You know when you are in a rush, and you get in your car, and you immediately drop your phone in between your seat and the middle console? Then you have to roll up your sleeves, take off all jewelry and wish for a slimmer wrist, as you try with all your might to reach it. Then you put the seat all the way forward. Then backward. Where is the damn thing? Now I’m sweating, still late and wondering if I am going to have to buy a carrier gerbil just to recover my phone! Then, I finally do see it, grasp it in between my two fingers, and when it’s just about out of the black hole of lost items, it slips out of my fingers and drops back down again. #FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
5
I hand you my phone to look at a photo. That’s OK. But when did I tell you to start swiping through the rest of my photos? You best be careful. Some things can’t be unseen.
6
I know most of you don’t work in a school. But if you have elementary-aged kids in school right now, here are THE MOST ANNOYING snacks that parents pack – pre-packaged fruit cups, yogurt (doesn’t matter what packaging), pudding, juice pouches with straws. Milk cartons suck too. Folks, you need to spend time teaching your kids how to open things - BY THEMSELVES. On top of the snot, marker and whatever else they’re spewing on us all day, we don’t need to be wearing pudding, yogurt and fruit juice. I don’t even have time to use the bathroom, let alone scrape smelly dairy crap off my clothes.
7
When I buy a bag of chips, is there an upcharge for the 50% worth of air that accompanies them? I can understand a little headway for sealing, but at $5 or more a bag, where are my chips?!? (see how angry the almonds made me?)
8
Why are all the other vegetables at the market naked, but there is a tight, condom-like wrapping on my long English cucumber? Like seriously, was it a porn star that got that trend started or something?
9
As I’ve said before, I am a Gen Xer. My parents also went and made a baby who is a Millennial. In college, we ate tuna, mac and cheese and got excited to put hot chocolate in our coffee at the dining hall. Vegetables were a delicacy and a rarity. So how did we go from that to all the foodies? I mean, they have whole parties centered around cooking. What? Where does all this extra time and money come from? Mine went to Natural Light and Bartles and James. I can make a grilled cheese or a PB & J, cut it into triangles and voilá – fancy food!
10
That unfortunate morning when you put on a red shirt and khaki pants and head out to grab a few things at Target.
In CT, we have this list of unsavory states from which you must quarantine if you visit, and different states are added and removed each week. As the lists are announced, I imagine Heidi Klum standing there saying, “you’re either in, or you’re out,” in some couture red, white and blue dress. No matter what your level of COVIDness, you’re always welcome here. That rhymes with beer. Now I’m thirsty…
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