Fall is my favorite season. I know some will cringe at this, but it just is. Maybe it's because I was born in the fall. Who knows? So, as all things leaves and pumpkins gets underway, my Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl will make you doubt that what I've just said is true, as I focus on some of the less-savory things about this season.
1
I really do not like being hot, so the cooler temps of the fall are invigorating. BUT, Mother Nature is also obviously having hormonal issues this time of year, as the bitch starts my day off in the 40s and ends it near the 80s. Is it sweater season or just "sweat" season? My body can't adjust. I want to drink hot coffee, but then that makes me sweat. Plus, I don't know how to dress in the morning. I feel like I need a wardrobe of zippered items in which the sleeves and pant legs come off and on easily, just to accommodate the whims of the weather. All this clothing layering does is create more laundry for me. And don't even get me started on packing for a trip this time of year. Oy vey!
2
The days are too short. Working blows as it is. I should not have to leave the office in the dark. Or worse, come in when it's dark AND leave after the sun goes down. I'm moody enough. Darkness is just depressing. End of story.
3
Everyone is sick. Or maybe they're not. It might just be allergies. Could be the flu. Lord, we hope it's not COVID (why, oh why are we still talking about this dreaded virus?). But no matter what it is, there is a symphony of snot and phlegm making its way out of people and onto surfaces that other people touch, leading to more and more illness. Oh, and no one stays home when they're sick, so this viral joy is literally viral.
4
No more flowy dresses and pull-on capris. My overindulgence of the summer has now become apparent as I try to squeeze my junk into jeans. Not only have these jeans been sitting untouched for months, but they were washed and dried before they sat, making them increasingly difficult to pull on. This task is so humbling, I shoo my husband out of the room so I can writhe and wriggle on my bed, sucking in for dear life to try and get the damn things zippered. As I emerge from the bedroom, winded and flushed, I'd imagine he thinks I'm doing something else in there without him :)
5
Having to wear socks again sucks. And the dumb shoes that accompany socks are even worse. Like Uggs. Why were these even created? Not only do they somehow force my feet to scrape across the floor (like, when I did wear them, I just naturally did not pick up my feet), but they make my feet sweat balls. Which adds to my overall body temp imbalance. Not a good look.
6
Leaves look nicer on trees. After spending all this time making my yard look lush, those falling fuckers come and mess everything up. And it doesn't stop. It's not like once you rake everything into one pile, you're done. Nooooo. You come back the next day, and your neighbor's leaves have mysteriously blown all over your yard. Groundhog Day for leaves. Put all this aside and try to see the joy when kids jump in that pile you just made. Um, no. Kids, if you want to jump in that, you better have a rake at the ready, because it ain't my ass that will be cleaning them up again.
7
You know what's worse than lots of leaves? Lots of WET leaves. And you know how you can insure that you'll have plenty of those? Fall. The fond fall memories center around mild temps with a cool breeze. Like a page out of the L.L. Bean catalog. What your mind blocks out is the never-ending chance of rain and flash thunderstorms that come with the season. Your car slips, you slip, and again your mood plummets. Especially since the rainstorms seem to save themselves for your weekends, not the days at work where you are naturally pissed off anyway.
8
Pumpkin overload is real. Now, I love me some pumpkin spice. Like a little flavor in my coffee and a muffin or bread. Maybe even a scone. But good God, I don't need pumpkin spice mints or lube or scented toilet paper! And I also don't need every food available to man offering a pumpkin spice option. Enough is enough. Get it at Starbucks or don't get it at all.
9
As a girl who loves a costume, Halloween is a way to respectably get my freak on. However, the pressure of dreaming up and designing the ultimate Halloween costume is also real. For some, it becomes an obsession to best the rest, and for most of us, we can't keep up with it. I don't care what the prize is for best costume - I am not spending an entire paycheck on my outfit for one night. And God forbid you're invited to a bunch of parties where they all have themes. I think I'll just dress like a tree for every gathering and stand in the corner until someone notices me...
10
People will just not shut the fuck up about it being fall. We get it. You started putting out pumpkins in August. It's not warm anymore. How, exactly, could we have missed this? But fall lovers, heed my warning. Christmas is right around the corner, and that peppermint is coming to knock your pumpkin spice off its throne sooner than you think. So live it up while you can, Autumnals.
I guess my relationship with fall is more of a love/hate thing. But I can assure you of this - I will get through the next month making one of each of these delicious recipes. And then I'll find 25 more, because nothing is as tasty as a hot toddy on a cold night, by the bonfire. Well, until that bonfire sends sparks onto your clothes, that make little holes, and you spill your drink trying not to burn to death. See? It's conflicting...
Oh my gourd!
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