Thanks to an airline cancellation, I was stuck in sunny Florida for two extra days during Spring Break. This, my friends, did not suck. However, there are a ton of things about travel that do suck. And I'm only touching the tip of the iceberg here in this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
One thing about travel I cannot stand - hair in my brushes. I have to de-hair every brush before I pack it in anything, mainly to make sure that I don't end up with strands of my locks in my toothbrush, after I put on the toothpaste and start brushing.
2
I don't know why I think that being super nice to airport security is actually going to get me through the security checkpoint more quickly. Or why I still act nice to them when the confiscate the gazillion dollar lotion I forgot I left in my carry-on bag.
3
I can't pack. I simply cannot decide ahead of time what I want to wear for a week. So I bring everything in my closet. Granted, I wear about three of the 1,000 items I brought, and I wear them over and over. But what if I did want to wear something else? At least I have it with me, right? And I only paid an extra $100 or so to bring my entire wardrobe along.
4
Love when they ask, "did you pack your own bag?" Girl, look at me in this Old Navy get up. Do I look like I have a butler at my disposal to pack for me? Yes, beyotch, I packed everything I own in this gigantic, overweight bag, all by myself, thanks.
5
If your airport is open 24 hours, why the hell do you not serve food there for 24 hours? Our evening flight out was delayed, and we foolishly assumed we'd still be able to get dinner at the airport at 7:30pm. Well, the joke was on us, because the only thing open was McDonalds. Now, I'm not above a Quarter Pounder with cheese and no pickle, but I just was not in the mood at the start of vacation. Also, I assumed I could get a drink (or many) before the flight, which would have made the craving for Mickey Ds a lot more legit! They closed about 10 minutes later than any other place, forcing droves of people to come to the restaurant. But after they closed, the dumb asses left the lights on like they were still open. Desperate, hungry people kept coming up, only to realize that they were never getting nuggets. So, I appointed myself spokesperson for the starving, by standing nearby and letting everyone know that they had closed. After which I directed them to the New England Travel Mart, which had a variety of bagged snacks and drinks for their enjoyment.
6
Once we got on the plane, my daughter was about to watch a TV show, that is basically one step down from soft porn, when the guy next to us told us that he was going to Florida to visit his brother in Jesus, and he hoped we also accepted Christ in our lives so we could be saved. I snatched that tablet out of her hand so fast and paid the people next to us $50 each to switch seats!
7
Hey, dude in front of me, I realize you want to relax, but even my two-inch-long legs don't have enough room to stretch on this crappy airline. So, could you be a doll and get erect the only way that is appropriate on a packed flight?
8
Pretty much as soon as I sit in an airplane seat, I fall asleep. I don't need liquor or drugs to do this. I just lean my head back or on the window, and I'm out. So, people who I don't know or care to know next to me, do not f'ing wake me up to ask if I want anything to eat or drink when the flight attendants come by. I have a buzzer to call them IF I stay awake long enough to consume anything more than Zzzzs on this flight. #leavemebe
9
I don't do public bathrooms in general. So you bet my ass would have to be about to fall out if I planned on using an airplane toilet. There's something about the smell in there that just scorches my nose and won't go away. Then I start thinking about where does all the excrement go? Like is someone in a different plane in back of us, looking wide-eyed out the window, admiring the view when, "SPLAT!" A big dookie hits the window, traumatizing that person for life? No thanks. I can hold it.
10
Being in an airport, then getting on a plane, confirms that people basically bug the crap out of me. Everyone is pissy, lugging around a ton of shit they don't need (including their kids, who they apparently dislike immensely). This is why the only choice on the plane should be nips or gummies, accompanied by ear plugs. No need to converse or make small talk. Just shut up and stay in your lane. This is why I don't get mad at those who get tipsy while flying. At least they're the opposite of self aware and their slurring is hilarious. Cheers to the inebriated flyer! Now pass me another, please...
Leaving Florida to come back to the Northeast always makes me ask, "why do we live here?" I know summer will redeem these cold months. But I'm tired of waiting for the warmth. Let's go, Mother Nature. Shed some sun on those of us Yankees who keep the North in check for you!
Mile-High Cock(tails)
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