There's more snow in the South than the North, and we're getting options of "Lent in a Bag" and "Ashes to Go." So, the only real shot at normalcy you have this week might be Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl!
1
Want to know what's annoying? When you send a text to someone, and they're responding, and you see those three little dots, and it's taking minutes upon minutes for them to answer, and you just know this is gonna be good, then you read the reply, and it says, "OK."
2
You're driving down the road. Haven't seen a car in the last ten minutes, and there are none in plain sight. But as soon as you get up to that narrow stone bridge, BAM, out of nowhere, a jacked-up pick-up starts coming at you, driving way too fast, and you have a full-blown anxiety attack, driving through the pinhole of a space, imagining the side of your car giving off sparks, as your passenger side rubs up against the rocks.
3
Everyone gathers in a room for a meeting, and you all get settled down in your chairs. Just as the presenter starts to speak, your stomach makes a sound that's a cross between video-game lasers shooting sporadically and a cat wailing. Never does this just happen once, and you start to feel the need to explain why on Earth this could be happening. By the looks of it, you're not starving. So, then, everyone fears you're going to let one go and kill them all with your lethal gas. Hey, at least you're situation was likely more interesting than the reason you were meeting, right?
4
A friend, who prefers to remain unnamed, we'll call her Valdemort, let me know about her experience at the Waterbury Michaels store the other day. She pulls into the parking lot and sees a prostitute walking from car to car, offering her services. Instead of going into Michaels as planned, she's fixated and can't stop watching. After several minutes, the car in front of her, which is filled to the brim with belongings, beeps and turns on its lights, startling her. Was this the girl's pimp? She needs to get out of the car, and does so quickly, so quickly, in fact, that she gets to Aisle 5 in Michaels before realizing she was not wearing a mask. Eek! Fearing the return to her car, she luckily was wearing a cowell-neck sweater that she pulled up over her face as a substitute. Now how many times can you use the excuse that you were so distracted by a prostitute in the parking lot that you forgot your mask?
5
I picked up some bread in the specialty artisan section of the grocery store. Then I got to the regular bread section and decided I was not being very frugal, so I picked up the regular old Wonder-like bread. I stick the bougie bread back on the po' man's bread shelf, and I feel like a criminal, panicked, looking around to see if anyone noticed this injustice.
6
You picked up the phone to call me, yet you failed to turn down the TV show or radio station you have blasting in the background. As you ask me questions, you can't hear a damn thing I am saying. Really? I'm just gonna hang up. You can call me back when your common sense kicks in.
7
That feeling when you come up with the best comeback...five minutes after the insult.
8
Can they make a Viagra or Cialis for my TV streaming device? I'm tired of the limp-dick buffering right as I'm about to get to the climax of my program.
9
And why does my streaming service have to binge shame me by asking, "are you still watching?" Why do you care, Netflix? Huh? Why?
10
There is actually a company out there who is looking to pay people to drink wine in cans and travel. I hereby resign from everything in my life. Finally, I have found my calling.
I feel the same way about Lenten promises as I do about New Year's resolutions - what's the point? I promise God won't hate you if you break your Lenten pledge. Trust me. I'm still breathing, aren't I? And remember, you don't see a lot of biblical pics that don't involve some type of liquor-filled chalice, now do you?
Catholic Cocktailing
Comments