I cannot believe the list of celebrities that we have lost this week - Dame Maggie Smith, Drake Hogestyn (John Black, Days of Our Lives), Kris Kristofferson, Dikembe Mutombo, Pete Rose, John Amos (Good Times), John Ashton (Beverly Hills Cop). Just praying there are no more before this goes to "print." Also hoping that my Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl really kills it this week. Too soon?
1
Sporks are stupid utensils. Too much spoon. Not enough fork.
2
We went Upstate for an event this weekend. My husband used the bathroom at a brewery. When he returned, he told me that he is happy that he is a tall man, because the urinals were unusually high. If you were short, or had a really small dick, he’s not sure how you would hoist it up there to relieve yourself. Like, would you just piss on the floor? These are the things you ponder after day drinking, followed by flights of beer…
3
I am more of a kid/elderly lover. Meaning, when a young child or an older human come up to me, I visibly gush. Some people are like this with animals. And I imagine those are the people who install signs on their road that read “Turtle Crossing.” Like, what kind of hippie animal freak invests in this sign? First of all, how many turtles are running across your road? Second, it’s not like they’re moving so fast you have to avoid them. Or even swerve much. Why don’t you just take the turtles home with you and make a colony? Instead of asking us distracted drivers to pay attention to a non-issue?
4
Today, we celebrate Rosh Hashanah, and I say, “Shana Tova!” to all my Jewish friends. But trying to spell that got me thinking of Hannukah. Why are there so many ways to spell this holiday? And what is considered the right way? And how do I say any of those ways without sounding like I am coughing up hairball.
5
Speaking of holidays, it is October 3. Can you please explain to me why stores have Christmas decorations up already? Yes, yes. I know I am not the first to comment on this. But for the love of GOD, can we at least get through Halloween before we start with a holiday that won’t be here for three months? I’m stressed enough without having to worry about the cost of that one!!
6
My husband and I disagree on a lot of things. But nothing blows my mind more than when something is clearly a deep, dark brown and he insists that it is black. Like, you know we didn't buy black couches 12 years ago. They're chocolate brown. Please don't argue. I have a swatch to prove it!
7
On the flip side, my sister brought up something that has now messed with my brain and made be questions my way of thinking for 50+ years. We were discussing the size of my home. From the outside, it appears to be much smaller than it is once you get inside. The argument is this – does this mean my home is deceptively LARGE or deceptively SMALL? Like, which adjective does the deceptive part refer to?
8
I think the whole grazing board sensation has gotten out of control. I mean, I get a nice array of cheese and crackers. Throw in a couple of candies and you make my day. But now, people are like decorating every open area of their home for a party with a cheese grazing, sandwich grazing, pie grazing, grazing grazing. I mean, WTF? How many people are you inviting over? Or are they cows? How can you afford this? And how do you clean up after that? This is just taking things too far, imho.
9
I had my toes and nails did at the salon the other day, and it took a long time. So I sat through the same Muzak playlist twice, and I was forced to listened to the song “Must Have Been Love” by Roxette twice. What is this song even trying to say? How is love “where the water flows” or “where the wind blows?” The best lyrics from this song are “it’s over now.”
10
We made paper airplanes of gratitude at school. Too long to explain the whole concept, but it was a cute idea. I know I am a cynic at heart, but I really liked this and wanted it to be your parting thought this week - Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms. Now go shit some happiness and move on with your week...
I have to wish my mom a very happy birthday today. I promise you that if you think I am the life of a party, she'll party me under the table. In fact, if I didn't know that this quote was made by Dorothy Parker, I would say it came from my mom - “I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.” Cheers!
Feliz Drinking!
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