The government is trying to pass this relief bill, but all I want is some relief from my responsibilities. Since that will never happen, I continue to rant weekly in my Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl. Here goes.
1
My computer updates me daily with a to-do list I neither wanted nor asked for. Today, it told me to schedule time to focus. I was like, "Seriously? Back off, bitch." The last thing I need is my computer telling me how to relax now.
2
I've been seeing articles lately about Connecticut allowing self-pour machines for alcohol at bars. Not sure if this is a result of the lack of workers (despite numerous jobs I see posted) or if we've just gotten that lazy, but I see this invention as both fantastic and frightening. I don't think my bank account can handle a self-pouring nozzle next to me at a drinking establishment.
3
It's been so hot, I've used the term "sweating my ass off" more times than I can count lately. That got me thinking, why can't this statement be true? Do you know how much happier my life would be if I could actually sweat my ass off?
4
So still on the topic of asses, I created a new ship name for a stinky situation. I ate something that really didn't agree with me over the weekend. It was an explosion. Out my ass. An assplosion.
5
Back to the "hot" topic, when are they going to create a spatula I can use to peel my sweaty legs off the seat of my car? I'm not sure how my skin produces its own natural super glue, but man, it's like trying to rip flesh off a not non-stick pan. Now if it also pulled my hair out at the roots, causing me to never have to shave again, then I'd complain less.
6
I met someone whose last name is Cashman. Got me thinking how ironic it would be if the guy was totally broke. Like if my name was "Gina Patient" or "Gina Tactful."
7
If you have to pee badly, I strongly suggest NOT standing in front of a Keurig machine while it is brewing.
8
I can't stand when you're part of a group text, but you have no idea to whom three of the five phone numbers belong. In this situation, I start putting out feelers, first, because I just want to know who the hell I'm talking to, but also because I need to know what kind of audience I am dealing with before I unleash the Gina.
9
I recently picked up my daughter from the airport. I saw lots of big bags with wheels, and that makes sense. Big bags are heavy and hard to carry. However, if you start pulling a tiny, glittery bag behind you that can't fit more than a phone and some cosmetics in it, and people start tripping over this "luggage" since they can't really see it, all because you're too damn lazy to pick it up and carry it, then you're just an asshole. And I hope you stumble and fall flat on your face going out the door.
10
If you are in my office, talking at me, and I start typing on my keyboard, well, that's like when they start to play the music during the Oscar speeches. Your time is up. Stop talking. #stfu
I'm tired of fancy. I want simple. So here are some easy, refreshing recipes to try until next week.
Keepin' it simple
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