A couple of my friends and I were sitting around drinking this weekend, and we burst out a few tunes. Then we looked up the words to one of these songs, which happened to be a nursery rhyme-ish thing, and we were disgusted and amused at what the words meant. So, here in this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl we take a deep dive into some screwed up "children's" stuff.
1
Alouette - we were eating Alouette cheese dip, and we started singing this Canadian folk song. An "alouette" is a lark, like the bird. And apparently, Canadians find it funny if you start plucking off the feathers, beak, head, neck, wings, tail and anything left on this poor bird until there is nothing left. We thought this was a cute, fun little French jingle. What the pluck?
2
Ring Around the Rosie - apparently, the British are no better than the Canadians, as this little diddy has people dancing around the rash, flowers, ashes and death of those affected by the bubonic plague. Here's a pile of dead bodies, kiddies. Go have fun.
3
Rub a Dub Dub - this is more fitting as gay porn than a nursery rhyme. Why else would three men of seemingly reputable professions get in a tub together? What are they rubbing exactly? And how did they get out to sea in this tub? Again, fodder for horny gay men, not kids.
4
Pop Goes the Weasel - turns out that this one isn't even about animals. It's a slang term for pawning your coat. So, whenever you sing this song, you're celebrating people so impoverished, they have to sell their coats to buy basic life necessities. You might want to smack the injustice out of your jack-in-the-box next time that clown pops up to laugh at the poor.
5
Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush - somewhere, there is a women's prison where a freak creeped on the inmates and decided to write the lyrics that detailed their daily activities, as they would have said them, ie. this is the way we brush our teeth, put on our clothes. Next time you're singing this to your sweet girl, think about the seed you are planting, celebrating her potential life as a convict. #mulberryisthenewblack
6
Jack and Jill - aside from the fact that these two should be called Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb if they both can't get a pail of water without falling down the damn hill at the same time, there's the little-known fact that Jack is supposed to be King Louis XVI and Jill, Marie Antoinette, both of whom were beheaded. This is underlying, morbid shit, people.
7
Rock-A-Bye, Baby - this song is sung to babies as they're being put to sleep. You put the baby in a crib, in a tree, with a known storm coming that will produce gale-force winds, that knock the kid out of the crib in the tree, causing them to plummet to the ground, risking severe injury or even death. Sweet dreams, baby mine. I'm not setting you up for any future couch time or anything, while I gently coo to you how I'm going to make sure you suffer endlessly.
8
Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater - a guy marries a girl, the girl is now disinterested in him/could be whoring around, he gets jealous, so he carves out a pumpkin and locks her inside for eternity? P is for PSYCHOPATH! And why is he a pumpkin eater? Is he also a cannibal? Does he eat the pumpkin shell, his wife or both?
9
There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe - along with needing some damn birth control, this bitch starves and beats her kids. Where is Child Services? Do no neighbors see this injustice and try to help? Nooooo! They fucking repeat this nursery rhyme over and over again, normalizing child abuse. It's sick, I say!
10
It's Raining, It's Pouring - grandpa goes to lay down, starts snoring, at some point gets up and bangs his head, seemingly to the point of concussion, and can't get up in the morning. Is he dead? Even if he isn't, he's clearly hurt. Why does this not bother anyone? Where is the humanity, people?
Since tomorrow is December, instead of a recipe this week, I have a brilliant gift suggestion for the holidays - a book for expectant parents (or existing parents with a sense of humor) that brilliantly combines nursery rhymes and cocktail times! Maybe someday I will write something as witty. Until then, I'll continue my drunken research...
More fun than a Diaper Genie
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