CT native, Lindsey Jacobellis, has brought home America's first gold in Beijing! I'm just striving to win you over with my sense of humor in this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl...
1
So, this is how my week started. I went to the drive thru at Dunkin'. The guy serving me my coffee leans out of the window, hands me my cup and says, "do you mind if I ask you a question?" I'm thinking it's going to be something like "what kind of car is this?' or "why are you so hot?" Instead, he asks, "how short ARE you?" What the ever-loving fuck? Dude, you just kissed any hope of a tip goodbye. And now I feel like I need to go buy a booster seat.
2
If you are calling me to solicit my business, and you leave me a voicemail, yet you make no mention of the company you represent or even the purpose of the phone call, please do not expect me to call you back.
3
I finally got a winter pedicure last weekend. And because I pay no attention to leg hygiene in the cold months, my nail tech was gifted my "winter coat." I couldn't tell what she was saying to the other techs in whatever language she was speaking, but I am pretty sure it was akin to not expecting to massage Bigfoot's legs when she came in that morning.
4
Here in my subdivision, we have homes with multiple smoke detectors that were installed by our builder. There are like five or six in each house. And even if you had each family member stand at each device and replace the exact same batteries at the exact same time, the things never die out simultaneously. So when one of them starts chirping at 3am, because it never, ever happens when everyone is fully awake, it's like a 10-minute guessing game to see which one it is. And oddly, even if you are standing right underneath the damn thing, you're not exactly sure that's the one going off. Try going back to sleep after that one.
5
Now, along those same lines, there is the rare occasion that the smoke detector goes into full alarm mode. The intensity at which this alarm goes off is ear-splitting and could possibly wake the dead. But you know who it doesn't wake? Our kids! My husband and I run all over the house, ensuring there is no fire, open the bedroom door to rescue our child from harm, and she's there, purring away, sound asleep. Good Lord, what I wouldn't give to be able to sleep like that again!
6
I am an avocado lover. I could eat them with anything. And when I go to a restaurant, I always get perfectly-sliced, pretty avocados on my plate. Change the scenery to my home, where I have tried to place my avocados in a brown paper bag to soften and ripen them. If I'm lucky, they're not as hard as a rock. Many times, I've over-ripened them, and they have that nasty brown coating. And if I slice them, even with a ginsu knife, the thing ends up looking more like baby diarrhea than a culinary masterpiece. I think I was just not meant to cook.
7
Anyone work for Chobani? If so, I have a tip for your packaging manufacturers. In the morning, before I have had my coffee, I might not be the most pleasant person. So, if in order to enjoy that coffee, I use your coffee creamer, and EVERY DAMN TIME I pour out that creamer, a trickle of it spills down the front of the packaging, I am exponentially more of a not nice person than I was before. Do packaging manufacturers even try this shit out before it goes to market? I used to work in product development. We had several stages of prototypes before something actually made it to production. No one wants dairy packaging that spills. I DO cry over spilled milk, damnit!
8
I'm not particularly superstitious. But we were driving home the other day, and my neighbor's (absolutely adorable) black cat was set to cross our path. And my husband was just going to let that happen. I gave him that wife look of disappointment, but he still didn't budge, causing me to grab the wheel and try to turn the car so that somehow the path to this cat would be diverted. Of course, my neighbor was out watching this in horror, as she thought we might hit the poor little thing. Afterward, I thought to myself, if you buy a black cat, are you just destined for misery and doom? Surely, that thing crosses your path a thousand times a day, no? I'm just not sure I could invite that type of bad luck willingly into my home.
9
There is the one app on my phone that touts the number "1" to show me that there is that one thing I am missing or forgetting about in that app. However, that one thing is NOWHERE to be found. I have searched every section, link - I've even deleted and reloaded the app - and still, I cannot find the thing to make that "1" go away! For an anal-retentive perfectionist such as myself, this simply will not do. Suggestions accepted.
10
This week's riddle - Why is semen white and urine yellow? So you can tell if you are coming or going!
(I really crack myself up.)
For those of you who don't like sports, you might as well tune out of TV this week. If you're bored with the Olympics, well then move on over to the Super Bowl, where the underdog Cincinnati Bengals are hoping to beat the home team, the Los Angeles Rams. And if you are not interested in any of this, just mix the concoction below to win at being a lush!
Cheers to the red, white and blue!
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