After losing Coolio and Loretta Lynn, the death of Angela Lansbury this week creates one of the most bizarre celebrity trios that will be partying together in the afterlife. Even weirder is the way my mind has been working lately, as evidenced in this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
I told Alexa to add body lotion to my shopping list. When I looked at the list, it said body armor instead. Other than being slightly confused and worried about how badly I mumble, I appreciated the recognition of my strength and power from one bad bitch to another. #thankyoualexa
2
When restaurants give out those pre-wrapped packets of silverware, and you have to ask, why bother? The napkin is thinner than Scott toilet paper (lol) and it's about half the size of a regular napkin. The plastic utensils are so flimsy that the tines of the forks either break off in your food, or better yet, in your teeth as you take a bite of that food. Maybe this is why my kid eats everything with her hands?
3
Next two are bathroom pet peeves. First is this - when you go to the bathroom in public, get inside, and realize that someone before you took the dump of a lifetime and smelled up the place. It's bad enough that you had to sit there in someone else's stink, but now, no matter what, that stench will be blamed on you. To your relief, there was no one waiting in line when you went in, so you might be able to escape blame. But now there IS someone waiting, and it doesn't matter if you tell him/her/them that whoever used the bathroom before you must have had Mexican for lunch, because they'll just automatically think you're trying to cover up for your own intestinal discharge.
4
Next one - This time, you are the one in the office that the Mexican was exitin' from in the bathroom; however, you are being considerate by trying to cover up the odor with some air freshener. But that smell of fabricated flowers sticks to your clothes like you just bathed in it. And it follows you back to your office/desk, like a sign hanging over your head with arrows pointing at you, screaming "I Did the Deuce!"
5
Is there a conflict of interest when you go into the grocery store solely to buy cocktail mixers then donate to the guy outside who is collecting money for a sobriety success program?
6
Blowing your nose is a gross, but necessary, inconvenience. So, it's particularly cruel when you develop one of those under-the-skin, ingrown pimples under your nostrils, where you hit that zit each and every time you go to blow, causing a pain that brings you to tears.
7
Speaking of nose blowing, my friend texted me the other day to say he was bothered by seeing tissues labeled "facial" tissues. Said he can never use them again. He has a point. #notskincare
8
Khloe Kardashian says she had a tumor removed from her face. Oh, so this is the new excuse celebrities are using when they completely alter themselves, because they are jealous of their sisters more traditional beauty and want to be more like them? Interesting.
9
I got stuck listening to the song "Slow Hands" by Niall Horan. I always knew those One Direction boys had some kink in them, but what the hell does this lyric even mean - "slow hands, like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry?"
10
When someone plows into you and has the audacity to say, "excuse YOU!" Actually, #fYOU
It's Cybersecurity Awareness Month, and I'm surprised I haven't been shut down yet. While my main crime in life is being too intoxicated to remember all of the mundane bullshit people force upon me, it really would be criminal if you didn't at least try to make one of these cocktails this week.
Hit by a Smooth Criminal
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