It is almost the end of January, and here in the Northeast, most of us haven't seen a real snowfall. This kind of pisses me off, but it also has nothing to do with anything I am covering in this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
I broke a personal record today. I have successfully bested the number of days I have lived without dying. Come to think of it, this is an achievable goal that I am going to celebrate every day. Until I'm dead, of course.
2
I happen to love saxophone players. Even if they are butt ugly, I find them very "saxy."
3
Sometimes I like to fuck with people. So, I was thinking it might be funny to put blue Powerade in a Windex bottle, sit down at a table and just start spraying it into my mouth.
4
Along those lines - do you have certain friends who simply cannot put away their cell phones? Like, you want to pretend to go to the bathroom and call them, right after they told you they're trying to be more present and slip the phone in their pocket, just to see if they squirm and sweat, but also reach in their pocket to answer since they know you're not around? (DISCLAIMER - I might resemble this type of addict, I mean, person.)
5
If there is a shared microwave at work, why can't people just clean up after themselves? I mean, if my lunch exploded all over the inside of this appliance, I would clean that shit up. Are these the same people who leave pee on the toilet seat? And what the hell do their own houses look like?
6
Why do newscasters start their reports with "Good Morning" or "Good Evening?" I ask this, because, unless all they do is report lottery winnings, I'm pretty sure the next words out their mouths are not going to be anything anyone would consider to be "good."
7
My browser home page is a series of news snip-its seemingly based on my browsing history. Most of them make sense to me, and the pictures generally match with the headlines. But then there's that one ad, claiming that the state will give me money back for going green or whatever, and the photo is of a gorgeous model with her tits hanging out of a slinky dress, looking all seductive. So, I can't help but think at that point that the lonely ad programmer, working from home, was most likely jerking off when he was supposed to choose a photo for that ad, and what we are seeing is HIS online surveillance tracking coming to life on OUR screens.
8
I don't care what type of landscaping anxiety attack you are experiencing, neighbor, 7:00am is NEVER an acceptable time to start mowing your grass. Or doing anything outside the house that I can hear, actually. Unless you want BB gun bullets in your ass, because I may or may not have been perfecting my shot in my stealth marksmanship den in the basement.
9
I can't stand people who tell me that they can't remember any event/important dates, but then stare at their phones. I just want to take them and shake them and be like, you have the reminder, right there, in your hand! All you have to do is type the damn thing into your calendar, and that little portable personal assistant will remind you of what you have to do, repeatedly, in fact.
10
Saw this and laughed - how ironic is it that the word "queue" is just the letter "q" with a long line of silent letters following it?
The beginning of the year is always a time for a refresher. So, I thought this week would be a good time to post a list of cocktails everyone should be familiar with in order to seem smart, relevant and classy. Of course, if you drink too many of these, you might seem loud, drunk and annoying, but who cares? You'll be happy.
Just the essentials
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