Hallelujah, this year is finally coming to an end! Lucky for you, this week’s Deep Thoughts Thursday with the Boozy Weathergirl is just beginning! As expected, this week’s theme is New Year’s resolutions. Specifically, why not to make them.
1. Use that new workout equipment - Oh yes, we’ve all been there, folks. That gazillion dollar exercise machine has been purchased for the holidays, and you are gearing to go with the exercise plan. The first week is great - you’re on it every day. By March, it’s taking up too much space in the bedroom, so it moves to the basement, and by June it’s an additional clothing hanger in the laundry room. So, instead of making yourself feel bad from the start, set a goal you can live with! I’d say using the thing once every three months is a good start. And “using” is a very loose term here. I’m talking moving the clothes and towels off it, sitting on the conveyor belt, big pillow leaning up against the back, cocktail in hand, while you watch “The Real Housewives of (Anywhere).”
2. Eat healthier - I always find this so funny at this time of year. I’ve just come off a two-month bender of debauchery, but now, on January 1st, I’m going to wake up hungover and exhausted, but crave salad. What? Plus, eating healthy costs a shitload more than not eating healthy. My solution - up your water intake. At least that will help with a hangover.
3. Be less angry with my kids/spouse - Lord Jesus, this sounds like a fabulous idea - until one of them speaks. Or doesn’t speak and just stares at his/her phone. Again, why set yourself up for failure? Maybe vow to have only one or two drinks a night to forget your resentment, instead of a whole bottle. That sounds like a great plan to get behind.
4. Spend less money - Well, with a recession looming, does anyone even have any money to spend? If you do, most of my money gets spent on other people. So why not resolve to just spend more money on yourself? You can even wrap the stuff you buy and leave yourself little gifts all year. Add little notes of inspiration. Finally, you can give yourself the praise you deserve!
5. Get better organized - I can say this over and over, and it will never sink in for you. But people like Marie Kondo are hard wired for anal retentiveness. They are simply born this way. No amount of trips to The Container Store are going to make you more like her. The Zen that is promised by organizing your life will forever be out trumped by the guilt you feel when you try to organize everything, and you can’t. Instead of beating yourself up, how about thanking your organized friends more, leaving it to them and trying to have one less pile of shit in the house? Make everyone promise to have one less pile. That’s a couple of piles less at least, right?
6. Eat out less often - Sounds so perfect, doesn’t it? You ordered your Hello Fresh, you have that air fryer, and you’ve been doing so great with this for the last two weeks. You got this! Um, but you were on VACATION. Hello, life, nice to see you again! Conference call ran late, you forgot to defrost the chicken, and you’re short the key ingredient for tonight’s meal. Plus, kid one needs to be in Danbury at 6:00, the other in Farmington at 6:15 and your spouse is stuck in a meeting. Oh, and only you can drive. 1-800-ANY-RESTAURANT - “Hi! I’ll take one of everything on the menu, stat!”
7. Learn something new/Take up a new hobby - Let me get this straight - you have to remind yourself to breathe most days, but it sounds good to you to add one more commitment to your calendar? Usually, these new things are not free, take long periods of time to master and add to stress eating, because you have failed at yet another thing. So, you’ve basically broken half of the other resolutions above in one fell swoop with this winner. How about signing your kids up for one less activity and calling it even instead?
8. Procrastinate less/Be on time more - Much like those who are wired to plan things, there are MANY who are not. And there are ALWAYS five more minutes of a show or activity to keep me engaged more than the commitment ahead. I do my best work under the gun, at the last minute. It’s how I roll, it’s not a flaw. You others go on and make your plans weeks in advance, and watch everything change a million times, before coming to an ending that looks nothing like what you wanted. When you set your expectations low, things can only get better. I suggest trying to get your kids to school on time at least once a month. Considering that most are only rolling out of bed to get to class, this should be semi-attainable.
9. Lose weight - So, let’s see, this has been on my list at least 38 times, and I’m still sitting here plump as shit! Let’s try this - I will look at myself in the mirror every day (never a full-length mirror, by the way) and just say, “damn girl, you fine!” Then I’ll walk over to the pantry, grab my bag of chips and continue to enhance what the good Lord gave me.
10. Quit drinking - I just can’t. If this is your solution to anything, why are you even reading my stuff? Please, just go find someone less morally decrepit to follow and leave me alone.
I think maybe my new year’s resolution will be to stop talking to people who obsess about their new year’s resolutions. Remember to start your new year with a laugh, not expectations! And try to make one of these pretty potions on NYE!
Unsobered
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