I'm closing in on my 49th trip around the sun, and I'm feeling every bit of it. So this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl is dedicated to my top ten things that suck about aging.
1
I sneeze, and I realize that I should have peed about 30 minutes ago.
2
I have a serious case of CRS - Can't Remember Shit. I used to pride myself on my incredible memory. Now, I have notes in my phone, notes on paper - hell, I'll even write on my skin - and yet, I forget. And don't suggest mnemonic devices, because if I throw a book on the floor to remind me that I need to be reminded of something, I'll probably just trip on it and break something! So where did I park my car...
3
Something always hurts on my body. If you know me, you know I go out of my way NOT to exercise. This is not because I enjoy being overweight. It is merely my way of making sure that I do not intentionally do something that is going to make me hurt. So, why oh why does something always hurt? And you can spare me with the simple exercise plans. Walking agitates my plantar fasciitis. And I swear if I did yoga, they'd pull me out on a stretcher, because my body would get in the downward dog and not go upward. So, please, don't suggest that.
4
I'm a lot more cranky. Now don't get me wrong - I still have my cheery disposition. I'm just A LOT less patient. And behind my smile and head nodding is a life-long build up of intolerance for idiots. I simply don't have it in me anymore to listen to bullshit. So if you don't have something meaningful to discuss, move along.
5
My metabolism has redefined the word "slow." I was a skinny, skinny kid. Like I could eat anything I wanted, bat an eyelash and lose five pounds. So what the hell happened? Could I really have manipulated my inner workings so much that I now gain weight by merely looking at food? Lord knows, I could train for the Olympics, and there would still be this sad, saggy flap of skin on my belly. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to eat another Oreo...
6
I am always tired. In fact, I can't remember the last time I felt well-rested. No drinking, drugs or meditation helps me. Not even sex helps. And I could literally nap anytime - anywhere. I finally understand what my grandparents were saying when they told me they were just "resting their eyes."
7
I have completely stopped caring about what I look like in public. This is not all the time. I still bathe and do myself up when I'm going somewhere special. But on a grocery store run on a Sunday, my greasy hair can be hidden under a cap, and makeup is negotiable (except eyeliner - I hate my eyes without eyeliner). Slap on a little deodorant, and no one knows that the clothes I am wearing were also last night's PJs. Or maybe they do. But as I previously stated, I don't give a shit.
8
The weather affects me. Naturally, I obsess a little about the weather. I AM The Boozy Weathergirl after all. But now, I kinda look forward to the weather getting me out of stuff I don't want to do. And I resent it when that doesn't happen. It also stresses me out a bit more than when I was, oh, a teenager and thought I was invincible. Also, I'm starting to feel the weather. In my joints and in my bones. Which makes everything hurt (see above). And hinders my mood (also see above).
9
I'm becoming irrelevant. I used to be hip and in-the-know. Now, I feel like I need to install a Google microchip in my brain to keep up in conversations. I mean, even using Facebook as the main medium for my rants makes me archaic. And I'm an old fogey who actually enjoys technology! So you tech-leery people, I don't get how you're getting along. Honestly.
10
Hangovers are brutal. What can I say? I still like to drink like I'm 20. But my body reminds me with a sort of demonic satisfaction that I most certainly am not. Rather I am a miserable lush who simply cannot accept her limitations. So be it. Bartender, bring me another...
I think the worst thing about being this age is that I'm not even old. Yet I look older, feel older, but I don't get to reap any of the benefits of being older. Where's my AARP and Medicare? I want retirement and discounts! Well, the important thing to remember is that I'm going to forget. But don't you forget to try out the drinks listed in the link below!
Keep chugging along
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