No tricks, only treats here as you scarf down some Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
When it comes to online posts, please start leaving some stuff to the imagination, people. I don’t need to see your flab if you have it, and I certainly do not need to see the toe fungus that’s plaguing you. This is also why I generally hate books that are made into movies. My idea of hot vampire and yours do not always mesh, ie. the Twilight series. I could name several more…
2
Why is it that I can plan an event two months out, and the day it’s meant to happen, we have a freak snowstorm, like in August? However, if my husband plans a golf outing, the sun is always shining, and there is a freak warming trend.
3
I don’t know about you, but I have at least 1000 text chains going, often involving the same people, many of whom overlap text threads. Not sure I can count the number of “oh shit” moments that I’ve had, sending information to that text thread which included the one person who the text was not supposed to go to.
4
Love when I walk into the grocery store to grab a few things that I forgot on my earlier shopping trip and grab the hand basket. As I go through the store, I find more and more things that I forgot. And now I’m hungry, so I’m adding things I want. And the hand basket is cutting off the circulation in my arm to the point when I’m walking lopsided, but I am all the way at the other end of the store from where the large carts are. So now I start piling crap on my other arm, with everything teetering like a circus clown on a tricycle. People are moving out of my way for fear I will trip and fall on them. I get to the conveyor, unloading my items like projectile vomit, and my $15 anticipated total rises to $150. This, my friends, is why I shop online and just let them bring the groceries out to my car.
5
The sadness that plagues me every time I apply for something online and have to scroll further and further down the list to find my birth year…
6
I was enjoying my insignificant Halloween-sized packet of Sour Patch Kids this weekend, when I felt one of those little mfers pull the crown off my back tooth. So I lost a tooth, right? Well, I sat around all night waiting for a little fairy to drop off a bag of money to pay for its repair, but the bitch never showed.
7
A couple of comments on new “G” things that have popped up this Halloween – Gratitude Pumpkins. I guess this is a nice idea in theory. But if you write on them with marker, and I set it outside, and it rains, then it just looks like mascara running down my face, and that’s depressing, not uplifting. Or what if an animal eats it? Then he/she gets all the gratitude, and I get nothin’. Gift cards are the better choice here. Just sayin’. Also, the Ghost Pepper Donut from Dunkin’. Who came up with this and why? I tried it. At first you’re like, “Oh yeah, this is cool,” then you inhale, and fire starts coming out of your nose. And your mouth burns – for a while afterward. I don’t want the furies of hell in my mouth, I want a sweet comforting cake product that I can scarf down and then toss the bag without anyone knowing. I feel like this is a take on the Bean Boozled collection from Jelly Belly.
8
Since it’s almost time for Christmas, I will now explain my greatest holiday season pet peeve – The Gingerbread House. Seriously. I do not have a degree in engineering. And never have I ever found icing that actually holds any candies on the houses, let alone hold the damn sides of the house together. And I buy this shit EVERY YEAR, thinking it’s going to be some fun activity that we do as a family. Or even better, I buy them for my daughter to do with her friends. And she’s inherited the same gingerbread house incompetency gene as me. But all of the friends are experts, and their houses come out perfect, making her insecure and me feeling like the baddest parent in the world. And the worst, worst part is that this crap isn’t even worth eating. The gingerbread is bland and hard-as-a-rock, the candy is stale, and the icing is way too sweet. So really, what is the point of these things?
9
You’ve taken a long, hot shower. You feel refreshed, so clean. Then just as you step out and dry off, you can tell you have to take a crap. And you get honestly pissed off at your body. Like, beyotch, could you not have gotten that started BEFORE I got in the shower, and used that removable shower head to thoroughly clean my nether regions?
10
Lastly, for this week’s “No Shit, Sherlock” moment, I give you this phrase – When one door closes, another opens. No kidding. That’s the way doors work.
As if it doesn’t already feel like the world is ending, Daylight Saving Time is happening on Halloween, and we are expecting snow in several parts of the country. Let's just hope that Rudy Giuliani being caught with his hands down his pants is the biggest political scandal to rock our country this week.
BE SMART. GO VOTE!
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