Howdy, y'all! Thanks for giving me an extra day to get my shit together! I just got back from Nashville, TN, where I decided over drinks that the bar I open there will be called "Booze Job," and the jukebox will feature my new single, "Big Titties, Cold Heart." Obviously, this week's Deep Thoughts (day after) Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl will be dedicated to Music City, USA. #nashville #musiccity
1
Since I brought up titties in my intro, a wise friend told me that you should be able to choose the liquid that fills your boobs. She had a great point. If I have to lug these babies around everywhere, they should be more useful than hand and eye candy! While I could not fill my jugs with liquor, what I could do with them in Nashville is use them to stash nips in order to make my drinks more potent. You would be amazed at the amount of money you save buying a sleeve of tiny vodkas from a liquor store, shoving them in every accessible orifice on your body, then adding them to a seltzer or soda of choice at a bar. You call me cheap or thieving, but the real crime is the pricing in a tourist trap. I feel no shame.
2
Fact - when you hear a song sung live, you understand the lyrics better than on the recorded version. Since there are no less than 100 live bands playing at any time of the day in Nashville, all the songs you thought you knew were new again, because now you actually know what the songs were trying to say.
3
I am a music sponge, and I can recognize just about any song in a few notes. What I am still a bit fuzzy on are the actual lyrics though, as stated above. However, I learned in Nashville that I can fake the shit out of knowing song lyrics better than most. While you look at me bopping along, seemingly mouthing each word, I am actually just short of singing "apples, oranges and watermelons" half the time. And if I'm REALLY stuck on a line, I conveniently take a sip of my drink instead of singing at that point. My friends think I am a genius, and I am, just for different reasons.
4
If you are only in Nashville for a couple of days, your goal is to drink and listen to music as much as possible. If you start all of this at, say, 10 or 11am, you might be a little tired by 10 or 11pm. But this is just a guess (wink, wink). What I learned to help with this is that you can actually take a short nap in a bar, at any time of the day, as long as you are wearing sunglasses. You just prop your head on your hands and look real focused on a band, close your eyes for about five minutes, and BAM! - you are automatically rejuvenated.
5
Another fact - any liquor drink tastes better out of a glass bottle than a can. Bartenders should really let you know they only have cans when you order. Kind of like when you ask for a Coke, and they tell you they only serve Pepsi products, then follow up with, "is that OK?" Um, no, it's not. Neither is canned liquor.
6
If you are in Nashville, and you see some skilled line dancers break out in dance, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to join them. Line dancing is serious business of which no drunk Northerner should try to pretend to know how to do, even if they are trying to go viral.
7
Music Row is exactly what it sounds like - rows and rows of bars filled with musical acts. The best part of this is that a lot of these buildings have multiple floors, each one featuring a different band. The magical part is that the tunes on each floor are unique and not clouded or muffled by the other floors. However, if you are touting a rooftop bar, have an advertised and accessible elevator to the top floor, people! My chunky, drunk ass does not want to drag itself up four or five flights of stairs for ANYTHING (don't forget, I bring my own drinks in my drawers)! So, please help a lush out and deliver her to the musical mecca in style!
8
I did not realize that there could be so many cocktail party vehicles in one place. You literally see people shaking body parts at you out of open-sided buses, everywhere you go. There are also just as many of those pedal party gadgets in the same space. One is dragged around by a tractor with a plow on the front that says, "I Got Plowed in Nashville." While I was laughing at this, all I could really think about was the poor guy who took a wrong turn and ended up driving down Broadway behind one of these things. There's nowhere for you to escape. Your only hope is that you have a roadie and like the music they're pumping out. If not, it's gonna be the longest mile-and-a-half you've ever driven!
9
None of the bands we saw looked or sounded the same. However, there is some random playlist out there that every Music City hopeful gloms on to. These songs, which you will hear more times than you can count, anywhere, anytime of the day, are included here:
Joelene - Dolly Parton Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Zombie - The Cranberries
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey Sugar I'm Going Down - Fall Out Boy
10
At least one or more friend will fall on your trip. This could be an innocent drop, like when I fell off my barstool around 9:30pm, for no apparent reason. I'm quite certain this was due to someone kicking my chair out from under me and had nothing to do with the vodka I had been drinking all day. But I also saw a drunk guy trip over a curb, stumble in slo mo, then sweep the legs of a displaced gentleman who was trying to sell roses on the street. Dude was pissed when his flowers scattered everywhere, rightfully so. But the beauty of Nashville is that all the other drunks around this scene rallied together, picked up or even bought his flowers, sat him back on his street bed, and all was re-righted in the world.
This coming week, I challenge you folks to dust off your boots, straighten up your Stetsons and schedule an adventure on your bucket list. It doesn't have to be to a faraway land - just do something fun you've been putting off, because the future is no guarantee. Plus, it's a lot more fun to have fun than to just think about it!
The Must List (add Lucky Bastard to this)
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