This is just Little Miss Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Issues sending out some Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl for you to contemplate. (see social media for trend reference!)
1
Sometimes, when I'm cooking and listening to music, I start to click my tongs like castanets, pretending to be a Spanish Flamenco dancer - a gifted, tanned, culinary beauty who can cha-cha with the best of them - until I'm interrupted by a family member, who annoyingly reminds me that I am actually a short, stout Italian who pdoes not look graceful and just managed to burn dinner.
2
Sometimes, I will ask someone's name or a simple question about them, just to make small talk. But the problem is that I really don't care. Therefore, I really don't listen. And then I'm left fake smiling and "yessing" to seem engaged, but Lord help me if I were asked to repeat back what was just said.
3
Sometimes, I pull into a parking spot, and I see someone I feel like I could or should impress, and I try to get out of the car all sleek and coolly, so I open the door, turn to get out, and remember too late that my seatbelt is still fastened. Now, instead of looking slick, I basically just strangled myself and created a mark that looks like my throat was once slashed by a machete.
4
Sometimes, you're in a house with floor-to-ceiling windows, and the person who owns the house is rich and meticulous, making sure that these windows are sparkling clean at all times. So you grab a bottle of wine off the counter, along with a couple of glasses and head outdoors. Only you don't get that far, because while you thought you were walking to the patio, you were, in fact, walking into the windows that overlook the patio, causing you to crack your head, possibly to the point of concussion, and spring backward, falling on your ass, glasses shattering, but holding on for dear life to that bottle of wine, because you know you're going to need it to dull the pain.
5
Sometimes, I go to Homegoods five times in one week, spending $20 each time. This does not mean that I spent $100 at Homegoods in one week. This means that I visited Homegoods on five separate occasions, spending only a small, acceptable amount at each visit.
6
Sometimes, I have an itch in my ear, and I go to scratch it, but instead of this being a small itch, there's a huge pimple in my ear, that I just scraped with my nail, casing a pain to shoot through my body like I was just stabbed
7
My child is a heathen. She refuses to use silverware and basically scarfs down food like an animal who has not been fed in weeks. While this drives me insane, it is her choice to behave as such. The problem is that she does this in my very OCD house. And after touching all this food, she does not even think about wiping her hands, yet she does manage to grab every handle or clean surface in the house. So, when I go to grab that handle or lean on that surface, I am grossed out by the slimy and/or crusty residue left on these items, especially the refrigerator door. When reprimanded, she asks how we know it was her and not us. To that I say, "baby, please!" Have you met me and your father? We wipe down sparkling surfaces after already wiping them down! #nodoubt #youdidthis #sensoryissues
8
I have used a Venus razor with disposable heads for as long as I can remember. I like the old, original blade attachments that don't have anything fancy on them, but I can never find them anymore. So I bought the newest version, and true to form, I could not get the thing to click into the base. With my I-told-you-so attitude, I stomped into CVS with the base and razor heads to prove to the salesperson that I deserved my money back. These heads were NOT interchangeable, so there. And the woman graciously took my razor base, turned the shaver head around, and voila!, it fit perfectly. I laughed nervously, thanked her profusely, then proceeded to tuck my tail between my legs and did the walk of dumb blonde shame out the door.
9
I only have one shower in the house that has an actual shower curtain. You bet your booty that every time I walk in that bathroom, I pull back the curtain to make sure that there's no psychopath behind it with a clever.
10
Someone told me that an item on their bucket list was to sleep in a coffin for a night. Um, pretty sure they'll get to enjoy that "luxury" for eternity in the near future, because continuing to do dumb-ass things like this will end in an untimely demise.
James Caan and Paul Sorvino really did die, but Wally from "Leave it to Beaver" was only reported to be dead, much to his family's dismay and relief (but I think he really is dead now). Here's hoping when I kick the bucket, they get the deets correct. Until then, let's kick a bucket of booze like this to get through these crazy days of summer.
Little Miss Likes to Drink
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