My friend, Tiffany, sent me this - "Dear husbands, if we are pissed off about ANYTHING, you are NOT allowed to be pissed off that we are pissed off. If you wanted to be pissed off first, then you should have planned ahead." And that made me think of Mother's Day gifts. And I remembered that my Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl already outlined some bad mom day gifts in the past. So why recreate the wheel? Here is the gift that keeps on giving!
1
Socks. I don't care what funny quip is stitched into them - no mom wants a pair of socks as a gift. You know what sounds like socks? Sucks! Socks suck!
2
Silk flowers. I'd rather you pick weeds off the ground and hand them to me than give me fake flowers. Nothing says, "I remembered it was Mother's Day while I was pumping gas," than a single silk rose.
3
A family outing. This always starts as a genuinely beautiful idea, but somehow it turns into a shitshow where people don't want to go, start crying and/or fighting, and the word "mom" is used more times than it ever should be. A trip to a spa on a remote island should replace this thought as soon as it comes into your mind.
4
Any type of exercise anything. If you have pushed out a kid, or even if you're just holding on trying to raise one, you might not be feeling super great about your physique. Especially in the beginning of May, when the winter pounds have not quite had enough time to shed. Unless we ASKED for something to help get/keep us in shape, for the love of God, do not assume we will interpret this gift as anything but an insult.
5
A frame with a stock photo in it. So, you wanted to give your mom a picture, but you didn't make the time to take and/or print one? WTF?
6
Anything with glitter. The bag has glitter. The card has glitter. The gift has glitter. That shit gets EVERYWHERE! And you know who gets to clean that shit up? Mom! No bueno.
7
Anything related to cleaning and/or a mess to be cleaned. Why does the one day a mom gets to be celebrated have to be a Sunday? Laundry day. House-cleaning day. The Lord's day. By God, I want my own damn day with no responsibilities! And God better be there to help you if I find a pile of dishes in the sink and a bunch of crumbs all over the floor.
8
Money, but not enough money. If I want a big-ticket item, and that's what you want to get me, great. But please do not piss me off with a smidgen of the total cost of that item. That's like saying, you're only worth about 20% of this gift to me. Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you.
9
An excuse. "She's not my mom, so I don't have to buy her a gift." My answer to that - the gift of sex is no longer available to YOU!
10
Nothing. I gave you LIFE. Get your shit together and get me SOMETHING. ANYTHING.
In all seriousness, I hope all the moms out there get celebrated in the manner you deserve this weekend. And for those of you who can't be with your moms, know that I am sending you a big hug. If you're like me, I don't get excited about breakfast in bed. But I would jump out of bed with a smile on for a nice "mom"osa bar. Here's some tips to really win her over on Sunday...
Mom-osas
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