I was talking with a friend about massages, which led me to hope that Deshaun Watson's next massage therapist turns out to be a big, gay man with a penchant for football players. Since we already know that there is no justice, I'm sure this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl will not ruffle anyone's feathers.
1
I walked into a store the other day, and I passed by a water bottle about the size of a storage tank, that had annoying little sayings on the side in intervals. First of all, if you have a job that does not involve sitting on a toilet bowl, I don't see how you could consume this much water each day without getting fired. Secondly, while I'm sure these quirky milestones on the bottle are meant to be funny and inspiring, I imagine you probably start reading them like, "Come on, fat ass! Why can't you drink more? Do you have to pee or something?" Also, how are you supposed to carry around a vat of water? What happened to baby steps, people? Stop with the hydration shaming already!
2
Autofill. Meaning it automatically fills in details that I have previously provided on my computer and are also common fields that need to be populated frequently. So why, pray tell, doesn't it always work? Are the layouts and platforms that different for every web page design that we can't master the common field for input ease? If I click on the autofill info, why can't it just populate in the fields, dammit? And also, these different formats cause my computer to save every single iteration of my information that I have ever entered. Like the time I filled out my name as Gina Jugs or Mama Gina as a joke, but now this comes up as my first choice for autofill. Way to make convenience inconvenient, techies!
3
Along the same lines, why doesn't my car just automatically connect to hands free every time I get in it? There is no warning as to whether or not this will or will not happen. And if the car has to ask me if I want to use hands free, doesn't that defeat the purpose? Mind you, this also inevitably happens at the most crucial part of my conversation, a part which the other party really doesn't want to repeat.
4
And while we're on cars, my car seat/mirror settings have an automatic button which saves the preferences for different people. This is hugely convenient. At the same time, when I get in a car that doesn't offer this feature, it is hugely inconvenient and leaves me feeling around all kinds of places trying to get myself right in the vehicle. I know I'm spoiled, but it's still unnerving.
5
It's summer, so we end up eating out more. This means I have cravings for things that are not readily available to me. Yet this does not stop me from standing in front on the fridge, opening and closing the doors on repeat, expecting this action to make a slice of key lime pie or a fat Italian sub magically appear on the shelves.
6
Let's talk about the microwave and time settings. Many modern microwaves have the fantastic option of hitting a number so that it coincides to the time that you want the microwave to run. If you know something needs to cook for four minutes, you hit the "4," and you're done. Brilliant! But if during that four minutes, you decide it did not need that long to cook, and you pop the door open, all that does is stop the clock. It doesn't reset it. And the number keep blinking or beeping or whatever annoyance it produces. Yet the person who caused this disruption is somehow completely blind or deaf to the problem. How? How do you not see and/or hear this? And how, after years and years of using this appliance, do you not remember to reset?
7
Similarly, you walk in a public bathroom, and there is a light above that says occupied, or there's that little thingy on the door that is green for "available" and red for "occupied." So if the door says someone is in there, then there is someone in there. End of story. No amount of handle jiggling or door banging is going to make that person pee or poop more quickly. In fact, I'd argue that it might cause the exact opposite to happen. Calm the fuck down and wait your turn.
8
I have a favorite shirt that has flowy arms and makes me feel all free-love ethereal when I wear it. Sometimes, I actually float around my house when I have it on. The problem is that these flowy panels also come with large, gaping holes at the arms, which hook onto my door handles (yes, I really am this short) and violently ricochet me back into reality. Thus far, the shirt has not ripped, but I know it's just a matter of time. #imnoangel
9
Why do certain songs have no real lyrics? It's like an opening line, then the same phrase repeated over and over and over again. Where is the originality? And how much were the artist and producer smoking when they sat together and called this one-liner a "hit?"
10
It's hard to define the level of idiocy I feel when the door, right in front of me, says "PULL," yet I continue to push and push and push, getting frustrated that it won't open.
I don't have a good closing thought for this week. And that's OK, because summer is not a time to be cerebral. Even though it's going to be hot as balls the rest of the week, kick back, relax and soak in the warmth of the sun.
Sunsets and Cocktails
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