It’s November, the US has no President, and our Phases are rolling back like the prices at WalMart. But the one uptick to be happy about is this Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
Why do we say something is burning up, when, in fact, it burns down?
2
I settle into my car seat in the parking lot, so pleased to see that there is no car in front of me, and I can pull straight through. There are also several open spots around. I fasten my seatbelt, and in that time, a car comes along and just has to pull in, right in front of me, forcing me to back out of the spot instead of calmly driving forward. #grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
3
The junk drawer. I spend much time trying to organize it, so it’s not just a dumping ground for lint, paper clips and wayward tape dispensers. The other day, I was marveling at how many pens there are in that drawer. Like, is that the only marketing tool that really works? Do you look at those pen logos? I don’t. But why can’t I throw them out? And why do I find myself still stealing pens from my bank when I go there? I need help.
4
So the new thing on social media is inviting all your pals to be part of an online gift exchange. It’s just a $10 gift, they say. Sure, if you only get invited once. But I have gotten this “invitation” from so many damn people, that I’d be out hundreds at this point, when I’m still trying to stock up on liquor for the Xmas party of one I’ll be having thanks to COVID. Enjoy your little game, my friends. I, however, am out.
5
Speaking of gifts, you know that feeling when you order “The Biggest Candy Package in the World,” and you have dreams of your child opening it up and spilling mounds of Nerds all over, as he/she tries to inhale the little beads through this monster tube, making you the coolest parent ever? Except when they open it, it’s just filled with little packets of the candy. Nothing special. And you could have saved yourself a shitload of money just buying the little packets. #doublegrrrrrrrr
6
When I continuously hear the term “clean eating,” it just makes me want to be a dirty, dirty girl.
7
There is nothing sexier than a British accent – until you’re watching a TV show. Sometimes, I can’t understand a damn word the characters are saying, causing me to enlist the help of closed captioning, just so I can keep up. They’re speaking English, for God’s sake! I should not need subtitles!
8
Still on the TV thing – you know when you see someone on TV, who you think is so much older than you, but then you figure out the character is about the same age as you, and you feel like you look so much younger than he/she does? So you ask your family if they think you look as old as that character, and they don’t know how to respond, because they do think you look as old as that character, maybe even a little older, but they know that’s not what you want to hear. And then there’s this awkward silence, which you break by grabbing a sleeve of Oreos and stomping off into another room, abandoning that old lady on the screen who could definitely be your mother…
9
I was at a friend’s house, and I admired a sign stating “Sit Long, Talk Much, Laugh A Lot.” Only problem is that I was admiring this sign in her BATHROOM. So, like, is this where you come to party? Can you even social distance in a half bath? I keep waiting for someone to burst in while I’m mid-pee and scream, “It’s Potty Time!” #awkward
10
I can blame the election. I can blame COVID. Hell, I can blame whatever I want, but the truth is that I am just fucking hungry, ALL THE TIME.
I’d say most of America is between a 4 and a 5 on the Fauci Meter right now. Never has it been clearer that we are a country divided. Instead of going nuts, let’s divide a coconut, make pina coladas and talk about anything but politics. Deal?
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