Well, if that political debate did not tempt you to move to Canada, I don't know what will. I'm trying to still be politically correct in my Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
It really sucks when you're jammin' to a bop, especially in the car, and others are singing along with you, but you can't stop touching your phone, and you hit either "Pause" or "Skip" by accident, and it kills the mood.
2
My kid is at college. But I keep finding constant reminders of her around. Like discarded contact lenses. On the floor. Stuck to the bathroom tile like concrete. Just about two inches away for the open-topped garbage can with a craterous-sized opening. Seriously?
3
I got an ad online for a teacher's pencil cup that had one side for DULL pencils, and another side for SHARP pencils. That made me start thinking about everyone I know and which side I would put them in if this cup were for people.
4
Yoga pants, with their fitted top and bell bottoms, are so comfortable and cute. Until it rains. Then the bottoms get caught in your shoes and you drag them through puddles until the cuffs are so heavy, they might pull the top down. They should come with a warning - subject to wardrobe malfunction in inclement weather.
5
Also cute - the crossbody bag. Adorable accessory for the fit, flat-chested woman. But for those of us with humongous boobs, it kinda melds into the cleavage and creates almost another boob that you keep sticking your hand into, and it just looks weird.
6
I wish I could hire someone to cut my watermelons. I mean real fruit, not the watermelons I mentioned above.
7
But while we're talking titties, I fell a couple of weeks ago, completely unprovoked by drinking, I might add. My arm was bleeding, I had cuts on my feet and my knee hurt like it was bruised. My breasts felt OK. However, a week later, a black and blue mark the size of a small animal surfaced on one of them. Still didn't hurt, but man was it unsightly. And it took forever to go away. I was like, Shawn, are you sure you didn't mistake Loretta for a punching bag in one of your dreams?
8
I came late to the party, but I am totally obsessed with the #SmartLess podcast. And I blatantly stole this gem from the episode I listened to today - Have you heard about the new movie, "Constipation?" No? I know why. It never came out.
9
If we have two hands, why is it that one hand is preferred over the other for usage? Like, why can't they both perform the same way? Why does one have to be better than the other? It's like inbred appendage sibling rivalry.
10
My friend, Lisa, said the most insightful thing as we left a little gathering at her house the other night - "There's a reason why your windshield is so much larger than your rearview mirror." Think about it. So true.
It's been a week, folks. For real, I'm tired of doing this for free. Doesn't someone have a promoter or publisher who wants to help me go viral? I've also been stress-eating Reese's Pieces this week, so I thought I'd look for a way to combine my two loves (vodka being the other). And here it is. Enjoy!
Drunken PB Cups
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