The Olympics are in full swing. Despite my childhood dreams, my only shot at gold might be achieved by downing Goldschlager and providing you with another edition of Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.
1
Things that make you go, "hmmm," number 1207 - When you see someone driving in a neck brace, making an illegal turn.
2
If I wanted to buy Daisy Dukes, I would buy short shorts. Do people who design shorts actually try them on before selling them? Like, if they start at a 5" or 7" length, I do not want that length to decrease to a 2" length and ride up my crotch with every step I take. #epicdesignfail
3
I've been getting a bunch of spam emails from "Cooking Professionally." What exactly have I done to warrant this? Anyone who knows me knows that I can barely cook remedially. Please don't waste my time or your effort.
4
Being tan in the summer is like a big joke on me. My friends seems to turn into a different race, looking all hot and bronzed, while I continue to get whiter and whiter.
5
You might think you have big boobs. But are your boobs big enough to manipulate your keyboard when you bend over while sitting at your desk? Yeah, I didn't think so.
6
It seems CT has seen an uptick in kids orally ingesting marijuana. Really? Can't imagine why. I mean, I'm sure every toddler knows that their parent's edibles, shaped like gummy bear treats, are NOT OK to eat, right?
7
Why does no one have anything to talk to me about until I'm on the phone or on the toilet?
8
I take a great satisfaction in giving my kid advice, which she in turn ignores then wishes she took, as she comes crawling back with to me her tail between her legs. I mean, why would I, the person who grew you inside of her body for nine months then watched your every move for X number of years, have any idea what might be best for you?
9
I know that once my child gets her license, I will never sleep again, because I will be insanely worried. However, right now, I am the one who has to drive her everywhere, so the idea that she might actually be able to do this soon provides me with an inner peace so deep, that I can actually see myself sitting on the couch, eating bon bons, like I imagine all parents with teens over 16 do. In the meantime, what if we traded carpool duties? I might dislike driving (and my kid) less if I got to hear about all the F'ed up shit your kid is going through. You feel me? If so, call 1-800-NOTDRIVINYOURASS so we can discuss.
10
I bought a new sign for the office yesterday. It reads, "Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday."
Last week's fan submissions were great fun. I plan on doing another one of those in August, so keep the gripes rolling in! I'd say one of the biggest gains of the Olympics is Simone Biles - proving that you can still be a winner, even when you can't compete. I'm going to get back to my drinking competition with myself by seeing how many of these USA-themed cocktails I can consume while I edit my work.
Glitter and spice and everything nice
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