I don’t know about the rest of you, but I keep buying crap with no real documentation or recollection of what I’m doing. Should make for an interesting gift disbursement. Read on for some Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl that are absolutely free for your enjoyment. This week’s topic - Gifting!
1
Be Specific - my husband hinted that he wanted a good blow. So I bought him a Makita cordless blower with vacuuming capabilities. Blows and sucks. Check!
2
Read Your Recipient - When your wife/girlfriend responds with “nothing,” when asked what she wants for Christmas, she’s lying. What she is really saying is, “I do everything for everyone all year long, and if you can’t form one damn original gift idea in that pea brain of yours, I’m not going to help you.”
3
Back the F Up - even though we’re holidaying in a pandemic, you still can’t find a parking spot anywhere. So how out-of-shape must you be to wait 5 minutes for a spot near the front of the store, blocking all other traffic up and down the aisle? Dude, park the three feet down the way and walk to the damn store. It ain’t that far!
4
What rhymes with Ugh? MUG! - I can’t think of one person on this Earth that is truly excited about getting a mug as a gift. Just stop yourself and put it back. Unless it’s filled with a bottle of Baileys, because that can be added to coffee, and might justify this thoughtless gift.
5
Check Expiration Dates - You know those deals you find on the end caps at Homegoods? Well, there’s a reason for this - they’re on their way out! Nothing says “Love you” like a moldy cup of hot chocolate on a cold morning.
6
Toys with Noise - Hell yeah! - Still holding a grudge against your sibling from when she told mom you were drunk with your convict boyfriend? Well, here’s your chance for revenge. She has kids (and even if she doesn’t, a husband will work here)? Then, you amp that kid up for drum lessons AND buy the drum set. Only have pets? Oh, there are TONS of squeaky toys out there that any sweet little petty-poo would love :)
7
Ignore the Organized - Oh, you know them. Those bitches who boast post in October about how they finished their Christmas shopping by Halloween. Bullshit! There’s no freaking way they got it all done. And even if they did, you know the payback? When their kids change their entire Christmas lists by mid-November! Take that, Christmas Karens!
8
Don’t Mock the Waiters - By waiter, I do not mean someone who serves you food. I mean the people who wait until the last possible minute to buy their gifts. Why is it smart to wait in line, in the cold, for hours to get something? How does that make you superior? Maybe these people are the true geniuses? They come bearing the Pepperidge Farm sausages, Pez dispensers, fuzzy socks and no-name candy bars - all of which we enjoy immensely, but were too snooty to buy in the first place. Plus, they’re only out about 10 minutes and $50 total, while we’ve lost hours of our lives and have a credit card bill that will extend years.
9
‘Scuze Me? - Thanks to COVID, the lines at the stores are LONG. So, when that cutie granny, all decked out in her jingle jangle starts chatting you up, and you turn your head for a second, but just long enough for that entitled a-hole to cut in front of you, you bet you gonna tell him/her to back that shit up to the end of the line! Even worse, the ones staring at the sign that reads “Line Starts Here,” but goes there to see if that’s the start of the line. Bitch, can you read?
10
Take a Deep Breath - Do you really think your kid is gonna die if he/she doesn’t get that Playstation 5? Are you really willing to sleep with that slimy sales clerk just to get it at cost? I mean, in reality, weren’t you just yelling at the kids to go outside and get off the damn electronics anyway? Oh yeah - big tip - screaming at an $8-per-hour overworked cashier to get you one ain’t gonna help either. Perspective, people. Find it. Keep it.
In reality, this is going to be a tough holiday season for many. Be aware. If you can help someone, do it. I promise you it feels better than any material gift you will ever receive. Now I’m done being nice, and I’m ready for a cocktail…
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