Folks, today is the last day of March, and I'm not foolin'. Since my throwback post seemed to hit a couple of weeks ago, it made me think of other things from my childhood. Namely, the ridiculous superstitions that were inflicted on us, be they scare tactics or true (irrational) beliefs. So for this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl, I am going to debunk the myths of our youth.
1
If you eat a seed, a tree will grow in your stomach.
Do you know how many sleepless nights I spent waiting for branches to sprout out of my ears? Or checking the toilet to see if a shrub came out of my bush? What kind of mind fucking was intended with this voodoo tale?
2
You have to wait ten minutes after eating to go back into the swimming pool.
I thought my parents WANTED me away from them. Why trick us into thinking this was a problem? Did too many kids end up puking in the town pool or something? I mean, if you wanted us out of the pool for adult swim, you'd be better off pulling a Caddy Shack. Ain't no child want to swim in the poopy pool.
3
You should hold your breath while passing by a graveyard.
Was this to mimic the dead? Well, I can guarantee this - if you're mom was stuck in traffic and happened to be parked right in front of a garden of death, you might be ready to plant there too if you're dumb enough to have believed this one.
4
If a bird shits on you, it's good luck.
How? Because it ruined your new clothes? Or you have to wash your hair again, after taking an hour to style it? I don't think I've ever had a bird shit on me, then I bought a winning lotto ticket. Or gotten an "A" on my test. It was just a shitty situation.
5
You should never give a gift of a purse or a wallet without putting money in it.
Isn't it enough that I just spent my money on this gift for you? Do I really need to shell out more money, so quickly? But if I don't, do I then subject you to some terrible fate? Good God, next time I'll send candy.
6
Praying to St. Anthony will help you find things you've lost.
This one's for all the good Catholics out there. I am Catholic. Not so sure about the good part. Regardless, this one is true (mostly). If I lose something in my house, and I parade around, chanting, "St. Anthony, St. Anthony lost and found," somehow, whatever I am missing shows up. And since God loves us all, anyone can try it. You're welcome.
7
Bad things happen in threes.
Quite certain Catholics somewhere had something to do with starting this one too. And while it seems that this can't be true, I'll be damned if every time some celebrity passes away, my mother doesn't pick up the phone to remind me two more will meet their demise soon - and then they do. (Of course, my mother is a witch, so...)
8
Opening an umbrella in the house brings bad luck.
Um, how the hell are you supposed to stay dry if you open the damn thing outside? And like, is it only in the house or do cars count too? Because if cars count, well then F you!
9
Knocking on wood will prevent something bad from happening.
So, what happens if there is no wood immediately available? Or you're in the car and all you have around you is faux lumber? Does only half the bad stuff happen then? I'd say the only way this is true is if you are a woman, and your man is aroused, but you're just not interested. You knock on THAT wood, and you've avoided a truly unwanted event.
10
If you spill salt, you should throw some over your shoulder.
I would venture to guess that a little misfortune would outtrump whatever ill fate awaited you if you tossed salt back into the face of the muscle man on steroids who conveniently happens to be sitting right in back of you and just got a fistful of salt in his eye. Unless, of course, you convince him this was part of a surprise body shot that his girlfriend bought for him, and you're just waiting on the tequila and lime from the waitress!
A friend challenged me to find something that rhymes with chlamydia and Mellencamp (and we weren't even drinking!). Here is the best I could do:
My friend Mr. Mellencamp, first name starts with J, Sat around boinking chicks on his amp all day.
This one lass named Lydia, gave him chlamydia
So now he's decided to be gay!
Forgive me, please. I am tired. I will make it up to you by not mentioning anything that happened at the Oscars and offering you this tasty treat to try when you're itchin' for something refreshing.
The perfect way to end a great dinner
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