This is the time of year when you hear holiday music playing just about everywhere. While this is great for about the first two days, you want to chuck a rock at your radio soon afterward. Last year, I explained why some holidays song lyrics were downright ridiculous. This year, my Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl will actually rewrite lyrics to songs based on what I think most people really want to say about the holiday season.
1
To the tune of Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow
Oh, the weather outside is frightful, and my kids are so damn spiteful. And now we've no place to go. Here we go, my life blows, fuck the snow.
2
To the tune of Jingle Bells
Pay my bills, pay my bills, who will pay my bills? Why does this shit cost so much, when it gives such short-lived thrilllllllssss?
3
To the tune of Oh Holy Night
Oh, holy shit. I drank way too much egg nog. And now my kids know that I'm a total lush.
4
To the tune of The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
It's the most God-awful time of the year!
With the kids always yelling and everyone telling you you need to be here! And all you really want to do is to have a beer.
It's the hap-hazardous season of all!
With the relatives bickering, your lazy spouse sickening, while you're at the mall. This season surely will be your downfall.
5
To the tune of Blue Christmas
I'll have the best Christmas without you. I'll be relieved not thinking about you. Your complaints about me, you sad-ass wannabe, won't mean a thing when I'm on drink number three.
6
To the tune of Run Run Rudolph
Run, run family, we gotta make this plane on time! I'm sorry mommy made us late because she had to have more wine. Run, run family or grandma's gonna beat my behind!
7
To the tune of Sleigh Ride
Just watch those boobs a jiggling, butt is sticking out too. Come on, girl, who the hell put that outfit together for you? This is an office party, not a private pole dance for the crew. Thank God your the boss's wife, or your time here would surely be through.
8
To the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Myyyy in-laws are coming to town! Myyyy in-laws are coming to town! Fuck my luck the plane didn't break down! You better be nice, accept their advice, or for many months later you'll be paying the price. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown!
9
To the tune of Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
Stumblin' around the Christmas tree, drunk on holly jolly punch. Searching the room for a place to crash and some food on which to munch. Trying to pull myself together, so my family thinks I'm fine. Hoping that they won't notice my slurring, and we can all still have a good time.
10
To the tune of All I Want for Christmas is You
I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. Other than a big fat cocktail, in my hand below my sleeve. I just want you all to help. This damn meal won't make itself. Make my wish come true. Baby, hire a chef to make all this food!
My first disclaimer is that I had no one in particular in mind when writing any of these lyrics. My second is that I MIGHT have resembled each of these characters at one point in my life. Still can't get past the fact that Christmas is only two weeks away. Check out these wine pairings to make each carol more tolerable!
Pairing is caring!
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