There are still a few hours to shop before the holiday of overindulgence begins. Since no one will take the time to read anything on Thursday, I thought I'd take this week's Deep Thoughts TUESDAY with The Boozy Weathergirl to share my secret recipes for the best Thanksgiving celebration a lush can put together!
1
Ice Cubes. Arguably the most important contribution to your holiday buffet. You need ice for EVERYTHING! So, I suggest buying many, many ice cube trays, filling them with cold to warm water, and clearing out your freezer, so that no one will need to consume warm beverages. (Of course, you could also buy bags of ice, but it's so much more fun going back to check and see if the trays have frozen by poking your fingers through the top when it's clear you haven't given it enough time, right?)
2
You need to serve bread. If you follow all the other recipes I provide, carbs will be a necessity before, during and certainly after Thanksgiving Day. So, serve some of these sweet grains that I chose merely because it featured the word "cocktail" in the recipe. Coconut Buns (Chinese Cocktail Buns) - The Woks of Life
3
Sticking with the carb train, why have boring blobs of mash, when you can combine all of the side dishes you have to offer into a MASHED POTATO BAR!! Who needs protein, when you can fit your spuds in a martini glass?!? Just do this. I promise you will not regret it!!
4
A new take on stuffing - while your relatives are sitting at the table, stand up and yell, "Merry Christmas Early! Here's your stuffing!" Then run around and stuff bottles of nips into everyone's shirts. They will think you're insane, of course, until later when Uncle Ivor starts recounting the old days and they get to sneak a sip while Ivor is wiping his nose with a handkerchief.
5
The piece de resistance on your Thanksgiving table should be a Tito's turkey. I mean, who needs to prep a bird that has to cook for hours and hours AND might still end up burnt? Just grab some kale, some cranberries and other garnish shit, throw it on a platter, and voila! (P.S. - Just don't send your husband to the store to buy the kale. Mine came back with FOUR 1-lb bags of it! I think he thought we were creating a Tito's forest, for an army. I was forced to eat greens for two weeks straight afterwards. WTF?)
6
Why are you going to try to make Brussel sprouts? That's a side dish only a restaurant chef can perfect. And they make your house smell like farts. You know what would be better to find on your holiday table? Airline tickets to BRUSSELS, baby! Surprise your fam with a European trip, and they might never ask you to cook again! #winning!!
7
Corn. It looks the same on the way out as it does going in. Is that normal? I think not. If you love corn, then why not consume it in its finest form - MOONSHINE! I mean, check out this shit. The slogan here is, "First ya swaller, then ya holler!" Hell, yes! Keep everyone from falling asleep at the table, I say!
8
Pie, schmie! Cake? Been threre, done that. But you know what isn't done at Thanksgiving dinner that should be - LIQUID DESSERT! Again, why sit there waiting for something to cook, when you can have instant gratification in a drinkable candy bar? I mean, Halloween was ages ago, and we're all missing our treats, right? So trick the family into thinking this is a brilliant idea and watch the drunken antics ensue!
9
If you are going to be forced to make a pie, at least add a little spice to it, and use good 'ole Fireball in your recipe to ward off that tryptophan coma! I am quite certain that your guests will never look at this common Thanksgiving treat the same way again! Cinnamon Fireball Pecan Pie - The Gold Lining Girl
10
After all of the above, you won't even remember who your family is, and that will be glorious. But to insure that everyone makes it home awake, freeze some coffee in those extra ice trays you bought, pour some Baileys, Kaluha, Vanilla Vodka and Espresso-flavored Vodka over the top of them, and kick everyone out the door. You have shopping to do on Friday!
If your liver makes it through this buffet, well, you're probably an alcoholic. But if you can add one or two of these into your last-minute dining plans, I bet you won't be disappointed! I'm thankful that anyone reading this still cares enough to do so.
Enough is enough
from I gave you enough links above. Move on...
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