How lucky am I that the holiday of all drinking holidays falls on a THURSDAY this year?!?! My Deep Thoughts this week are so shallow that I could only put my shaker down for this - how about if I pair drink recipes with the cheesiest pick-up lines you'd hear if you ordered them? (Click on the links to access the recipes, me lasses and lads.)
1
Irish Coffee - Picture this. You're sitting in a quaint café, you just ordered an overpriced hot latte with extra whippage, and you've emptied a nip of Baileys (or two) inside when no one was looking. You relish the flavor, when some awkward ginger walks up to you and says, "Do you like bananas or blueberries? I wanna know what kind of pancakes to make for you tomorrow morning."
2
Pot of Gold Cocktail - You are dressed to kill on a night out at a posh restaurant. You're at the bar, waiting on your friends to arrive. It's March, so you spice up your usual martini for one of these. Sitting next to you is a pompous ass named Chaz, who swings around and says, "You look great and all, but do you know what would really look good on you? Me."
3
Dublin Kiss (St. Patrick's Day Shot) - Guy at the table next to you hears you and your girls order these shots. Dork walks up all confident and asks, "Girl, do you garden? Because if I had a garden, I'd put your tulips and my tulips together."
4
Smoky Irish Wolfhound - As you kick this back, you make the mistake of telling your friend that it has a smokey taste. Then this dog comes up and says, "Smokey? Honey, you must be a campfire, because you're super hot and I want s'more!"
5
Leprechaun Punch - You've been in a slump lately. But, you decide to still go out and see if you could meet someone on St. Patty's Day. Down at the local watering hole, this guy can sense that you're alone and desperate. So is he. Which leads him to profess, "hey, I'm not the best-looking guy in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!" You figure he's right, and you guys head back to his place.
6
Shamrock Shaker - You and your posse are in da club, shakin' your money makers, when the song ends, and you decide you need a drink. You belly up to the bar and get sandwiched in between two creepy guys, one of whom looks at you and asks, "Do I know you? 'Cuz you look a lot like my next girlfriend."
7
Drunken Leprechaun - This poor guy at the bar is the one who always thinks he's funny and never realizes that he is slurring and staggering. As he tumbles into you, and and you yell, "watch out, you drunk leprechaun," he turns to you, straight-faced and spits out, "I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."
8
The Irish Encounter - Hot, tall brunette strolls into a bistro, sees this naughty Irishman, intentionally bumps into him and bats her eyelashes as she coos, "I'm from out of town. Can you please give me directions to your place?
9
Frozen Derby Mint Julips or Sparkling Shamrock Champagne - When you order one of these, the green you exude is money. So, naturally, a hot chick in a tight dress, with her tits hanging out is going to try to woo her sugar daddy with the line, "Can you tell me what a funny, attractive girl like me is doing without your number?"
10
Green Beer - My brother Daryl, and his other brother Daryl, are sitting at the bar in O'Shaughnessy's, drinking what looks akin to bile. D's physique definitely shows that this isn't his first beer, nor will it be his last. Try as you might, you can't stop staring at his overly large waistline. He notices you noticing it, thinks you might be turned on and says, "This isn't a beer belly, sweetheart, it's the fuel tank for my love machine!" You promptly hurl and leave, with the sound of Deliverance playing in the distance.
No matter how you choose to celebrate today, if you choose to celebrate at all, my wish for you is that your troubles be less, your blessings be more, and that nothing but happiness comes through your door. Now go out and party, people!
Pure liquid luck
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