If you live in a neighborhood like mine, you have to take out a second mortgage to pay for all the candy you need on Halloween night. If you actually want kids to come to your house for sweets, this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl will outline all of the candies you should NOT buy this holiday season.
1
Candy Buttons - do you like eating paper? No? Really? Neither does any thinking person. No matter how hard you try to remove these colorful circles of whatever-they-are-made-of off the long white cash register paper, you can't do it without leaving behind paper on the back. If the taste was worth the paper, maybe. But it's not.
2
Mary Jane - Have you been told by a doctor that your face needs to lose weight? Well then this the a candy for you! By the time you're done chewing, it will be Halloween 2024. Pot is legal now. Give people the Mary Jane they really want.
3
Necco Wafers - Instead of subjecting cute little dressed-up children to this crap, just drop small containers of TUMS in their bags. At least that chalk-tasting substance will help with all the other candy they ingest.
4
DOTS - not to be confused with Candy Buttons, these are gel-like, almost-triangular cylinders that are nearly flavorless. And they get stuck in your teeth. For like, forever. If you're going to give people something that stays in their teeth for days, at least make them taste good.
5
Whoppers - What are malt balls anyway? To me, these taste more like chocolate-covered moth balls. So many other choices. Why? Just why?
6
Candy Pumpkins - I don't hate candy corn. If I need a boost of sugar, I can down a couple of those triangles, and I'm good to go. But you put that syrupy sugar into a giant pumpkin, and the taste becomes vomitous. No one wants these. They don't want candy corn either. Just buy something else.
7
Good and Plenty - Only truly discerning palettes can stand the taste of black licorice. And I'm pretty sure the median age of that paletteable consumer is about 85. Do not give these to kids. If you enjoy them, keep it to yourself.
8
Fruity Tootsie Rolls - Blasphemy. I'm not sure I can even pinpoint the flavor of regular Tootsie Rolls. It's like kinda chocolate? But that's OK, because Tootsie Brown is an icon. These crappy-colored imposters are just that. And they are not tasty.
9
Runts - You may feel you're being healthy by giving out candy that looks like fruit, but you're not. The only time I would say this candy is acceptable is when you are a dentist, or you are married to a dentist. Include a business card with the candy, because anyone who eats these will surely break a tooth and need a crown!
10
Pretzels or Popcorn Balls - When I go trick-or-treating, it's to get candy. Neither of these is candy. The end.
Now, you can be basic like me and my friends and just pour some vodka or rum over gummy bears and call it a delicacy. Or you might even throw a few Swedish Fish in your vodka bottle for a pop of flavor. You can even add a stick of rock candy to your Gin and Tonic, like my friend Colin does (which is the only acceptable use for this gross candy, BTW). Or you can get all fancy and make one of these recipes. You choose...
Candy Club
댓글