’Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
There were enough crumbs on the floor to fatten The Nutcracker’s King Mouse.
The stockings were flung on the floor here and there,and
I’m pretty sure I had egg nog and candy stuck in my hair.
The children were asleep and wouldn’t wake up,
You’d think we had added Benadryl to their cups.
I tried to get some sleep, but my husband was snoring
Plus my mind was racing with details of how the holiday sent our personal debt soaring.
When up the stairs there came a loud crash,
I sprang up to see what the hell was smashed.
Turns out it was my mother-in-law,
Who drank too much liquor.
After she fell out of bed,
She started getting sicker and sicker.
Then, what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But my husband who woke up and opened a beer.
He walked up the stairs to see his mom in a tizzy,
At the site of her vomit, he then got quite dizzy.
More rapid than a greased pig, he fell to the floor,
And I started yelling obscenities, cuz I couldn’t take any more:
“You, idiots! You, ingrates! You lushes and lightweights!
If someone doesn’t help me clean soon, you’re all going to see the Pearly Gates!
Those gifts that are stacked to the top of the wall!
I’m getting out trash bags to throw away them all!”
I sat on the stairs, about ready to cry,
But then something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.
Out of nowhere, a nice little man showed up
With Liquid IV, Clorox and a personalized cup.
He offered me “Mom Juice” and told me to stay calm,
Even though in my home, it looked as though someone had set off a bomb.
He was dressed in pink fur, and an apron with pockets,
He told me he’d clean my house so good my home value would skyrocket.
A bundle of cleaning products he had flung on his back,
You’d think he was a scalper during COVID just looking inside his pack.
A wink of his eye and a shake of his hips,
Assured me that he really knew how to clean shit;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his scrubbin’,
He even wiped down the inside of the fridge and the oven,
Onto the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room and the shitter,
I’d never seen anyone clean any quicker.
The more I drank, the more he cleaned!
And, finally, I started to feel like a Queen!
When he was finished, he packed up his stuff,
Then he added more jingle juice into my cup.
I was sad, but relieved, and asked if he would return;
He said only if I had lots of money to burn.
This was a one-time pick-me-up, but I’d get the credit,
If there was praise to be given, I was sure to get it.
He walked out the door and got into his Ferrari;
To know this was fleeting made me feel very sorry.
But I heard him shout out as he drove down the way,
“No one knows what’s in the sippy cup, so Rosé All Day!”
Better late than never! Have a fantabulous week ahead. Wishing everyone a HAPPY and HEALTHY new year!!
Comments